Tag Archives: romance

Simple Desires chapter 6

You know that moment before the impact, that split second between oblivion and the shattering truth, like that instant in some hospital corridor when the doctor is heading down to tell the anxiously waiting family that piece of news that will slowly unravel the fabric of their existence, these tightly woven memories and constants that will soon change after the doctor pulls at the binding threads.

I’ve always been intrigued and drawn to examine such moments or what I call the ‘’the seconds before the impact”

To this day I still remember my first “seconds before the impact “and unwittingly I thought it would be my last.

It was 2 a.m and Chris hadn’t returned from god knows where , I had completed the evening with my mum so she wouldn’t get too worried and had found out that Chris had rushed out claiming he had an urgent work matter to deal with.

Had he noticed me?

Did he hear me as I came down the stairs?

I kept thinking about that awful scratching sound and the blood…….

what was bone chilling is that Chris didn’t seem to care about the mess,  and part of me felt he sought relief in that mess he reveled in the savagery he was inflicting on his skin

Was his other arm like that?

I sat on my bed unable to sleep until I knew he was home safe, I’d tried calling him but his cell was closed.

At 3 am I heard stumbling behind the wall adjacent to mine, I quickly headed out to the hall unlocking Chris’s door –we had each other’s keys in case of emergency- as I rushed through his disheveled apartment I didn’t have a moment to notice the waning signs.

Chris was never messy, in fact he was agonizingly immaculate bordering on OCD

This wasn’t normal

Something was disturbingly wrong

I headed quietly towards his bedroom bracing myself of what I might see…

“Chris”

He was balled up in the corner next to his dresser, his head was bowed and I could see he was shaking

“Chris” I called again not knowing what to do or how to begin to gather those shattered pieces bundled together in the corner

“Chris, sweetie can you hear me?”

I approached him silently afraid to make a sudden move, he looked like a wounded animal, and then I heard that blood freezing scratching sound again.

“Oh god “I covered my mouth, tears welling in my eyes as he continued to scratch the already raw flesh of his forearm completely oblivious to my body crouching in front of him.

His sleeves were no longer  clean , but instead stained with his own blood , and I got a feeling that Chris had two self-harming states , the controlled one he had at my mother’s house and this frantic unstable one he was having here in the comfort of his own apartment

I called his name again but he didn’t answer. I forced his chin up to see his face but he was so stiff and wooden

I tried again trying to seek comfort in his warm green eyes, but they were closed in a grimace, brows knitted and his mouth was slightly opened his breathing shallow.

I could smell the alcohol in his breath.

Chris never drinks.

I buried my face near his neck whispering comforting words coaxing him out of whatever hell he’s been trapped in.

“Chris sweetie please , you’re hurting yourself , please Chris don’t do this honey , Chris listen to my voice” I kept pleading with him through my tears ,my body was so pressed to him that we might as well been one .

I slowly reached my hand to his frantic one, touching his bloody fingers “Chris you’re breaking my heart Chris please, I’m so sorry I didn’t know, please forgive me”

His sense of urgency slowed down and I took the opportunity to grab at his hands holding them tightly, he tried to struggle resisting my touch but I was so determined to snap him out of it.

I pressed my face harder to his neck “it’s ok, you’re ok Chris, I got you, its ok I’m here I got you, you can stop now “ I kept chanting the words over and over until I felt him relax into me , I hadn’t noticed then of course but later I realized that it was the first time Chris had let me be that near to him or touch him

When I felt him completely relax, his muscles unwinding. I slowly took him by the hand urging him up, thankfully he complied.

I led him to his en suit bathroom and sat him at the edge of the tub, I grabbed the nearest towel and soaked it with water .all the time I made sure I was still holding his hand, I was so terrified to leave him alone for a minute fearing he would return to his self-harm.

I quickly reached for the antiseptic he had in his mirror cabinet, unsurprisingly I found a soothing balm that was also anti scarring.

I cleaned his wound , pressing gently at the raw skin , all that time Chris’s eyes were almost closed as if he was barely conscious to what was happening , I feared the antiseptic would sting but Chris hadn’t even flinched as if he was completely numb,. I applied the soothing balm and slowly wrapped his abused arm in gauze and cleaned the mess we made

My hands hesitated when it came to what I wanted to do next. I slowly reached his shirt unbuttoning it but Chris’s eyes suddenly shot wide in panic

What are you doing? His voice was terrified and shaky, his eyes glazed and unseeing

“Chris it’s ok sweetie, I’m just going to take off your shirt and get you a clean one “I said soothingly

Chris did not seem to comprehend my words his eyes were still wide, cold sweat erupted on his forehead

“Please don’t do this, please I won’t do anything please I’ll sit quietly I won’t fidget “Chris’s voice pleaded with me, his eyes filled with agony

My heart sank and shattered and bled

I realized Chris didn’t know it was me ……..Chris saw someone else in my place someone who had hurt him.

Someone who the mere action of moving caused him to terrify Chris to that extent.

“Chris baby it me, Ceels “I sobbed out

“Chris, its Cecilia you didn’t do anything wrong honey I just want you in a clean shirt “I ran my hands through his soft hair.

His mesmerizing green eyes focused on my face and a bewildered look replaced the terrifying one

“Ceels?”

“Yes it’s me Chris, I’m just going to remove this shirt ok “I kept my eye contact, as I slowly unbuttoned his bloody dress shirt.

Chris’s eyes stayed on me drinking me in as if he thought I wasn’t real, I slowly finished my task and tried to push the sleeves off his shoulders, but he stiffened

“Chris I’m just going to slip it off gently” I said soothingly, afraid he was confused again

But he wasn’t, I could see that at this moment he knew who I was but he was still afraid

I gently slid the sleeves off, shushing him and telling him he’s going to be fine, when my hands pushed at the sleeves removing them from his arms I gasped …….

I was wrong …..The moment I found him in his bedroom wasn’t my moment of impact…

This was.

 

simple desires chapter 3

“hey Chris ”

“hey Ceels why are you calling  so early, is the wedding over?” Chris asked me in a tired voice

“Mm..m no, I escaped , just didn’t like the music ” I said trying to sound nonchalant and failing , I know Chris could read me like a book .

“Did any of those skinny mean girls as you like to call them at your sister’s wedding give you a hard time?

I didn’t answer

“Ceels come over ,we’ll watch a stupid show , eat some candy and you can tell me all about it ”

damn him and his perception into my soul

“Chris you can say bitches ,you’re a grown man ” I teased

“I know ,I just don’t like too”

“ooh look at you Mr. raised properly ” I said smiling

…..silence.

the same old iron gate of silence I ‘ve grown familiar too , I mention something about his childhood and he is silent as the dead

“Chris are you still there?”

“yes ..so are you coming over? ” Chris said quietly the smile from before absent from his voice.

“yeah sure,  I already spend way too much time at your apartment , you think I should give up my apartment next to yours “I said jokingly trying to lighten his mood from before

“are you kidding I practically live in your apartment ” Chris says laughing

“maybe we should tear down the connecting wall in our bedrooms and have a big fat giant loft “he mocks

“Ooohoo can we do that Chris pleeeeease ” I was whining like a child , I would almost do anything to make Chris laugh even suggesting being roommates  which I know  is a no way in hell situation for Chris.

when he first suggested I rent the apartment next to him I was shocked , I thought he was joking , I knew Chris was super private when it came to sharing living space , he always had his own space ever since I could remember , but he had explained that I was his best friend and that I was already looking for a place , and let me tell you I LOVED it, it was well-lit and had a lovely view of the city .

I had come here after I was offered a job in one of the psychiatric hospitals and it was my dream job ,Chris had done well for himself too , working as a lawyer in one of the top firms , all in all we had done well for ourselves and over the years Chris has become my closest friend and confident, I’d like to say that I was his but it wasn’t the same , Chris knew everything about me  and I mean everything even when I got my periods , I was the queen of over sharing and he was the complete opposite .

I knew I was special to him because he only offered me the apartment next door, although I knew john had been looking as well , but still he never revealed anything just some scraps about his young life, but I didn’t give up sometime I would say something that would trigger a stoic silent reaction from him, and sometimes he would deflect the hell out of a conversation

“Ceels where are you now ?” Chris’ question interrupted my thoughts.

“I’m coming up right now ” I answered distractedly.

“ok , see you”and he hung up.

seconds and he was opening his apartment door with a big smile on his face

“hey grumpy ” he greeted

“hey obnoxious” I returned

I plopped my self on one of his beige baby butt soft sofas as I like to tell him cause they are just ridiculously soft and fluffy .

“So you look …uh  I mean the dress is..”chris stammered trying bless his soul to identify the monstrosity I was wearing.

“like a giant cupcake ate a strawberry jam doughnut ” I finished

he threw his head back in a chuckle

ha Cecilia -1 broody-ness -0

he headed to his kitchen to make coffee still laughing

after a bit he handed me a mug of excellently brewed coffee , he even chose my favourite mug ..I mean his…. whatever , I inhaled the coffee and just closed my eyes savouring the moment, when I opened my eyes I found his green eyes looking at me with a soft smile on his face .

I felt my cheeks heat -damn it Cecilia pull it together , it’s just Chris sometimes gave me the mother of all intense looks and I didn’t know what to do with it , because that was it! there was no other indication that he thought of me that way , he even set me up with some of his lawyer friends but still when he gave me that look I couldn’t stop the heat from invading my face.

“so what happened?”he broke the silence

I proceeded to tell him about my stupid sister and her bitchy friends and my mum hounding me about getting married and my biological deadline and all those colorful jabs only moms and relatives know how to say.

after I finish I huff out an annoyed breathe “it’s just I don’t know how to please them Chris , and I can’t keep up with their deadlines for boyfriends , for husbands , for careers , for kids .

I fall silent feeling the water works begin to form and my lips trembling

“hey Ceels ,hey… look  at me “Chris says softly taking my hand.

“your mom is just worried and meddling , you know her , as for your sister , she’s just jealous cause you are friendly and kind and funny and people just love you instantly and she’s the opposite of that ”

I smile at his words and sincere eyes “thanks Chris you are the king of pep talks ”

“I know that’s why I’m an awesome lawyer” he says smugly

“hey Chris texas called and they say your ego is blocking the sun ” I mocked

he laughed and took our mugs to the sink to wash , I swear Chris’ OCD is just crazy , his apartment is always immaculate with all its whites and beige it looks out of a catalogue ,nothing is out-of-place.

“so why didn’t you hang out with the guys they said they were going to joes?”

“I’m still working on Robinson’s case and I needed to finish,  the closing session is in 3 days”

“you’ll be awesome and completely annihilate that human trafficking dick” I said confidently.

”I hope so Ceels I’m so close , I already have him cornered ” Chris said biting his lip

“you will and then we will celebrate and be awesome together ”

“besides john keeps setting me up on blind dates” he said annoyed

“ooh ” I pretended to find the cream carpet interesting.

“it’s getting on my nerves honestly I feel ambushed “Chris says running his hands through his soft hair

“maybe you’ll like one of them ?”

“don’t be ridiculous Ceels ,you know me I don’t do that ” he says firmly

“why not ?” I push

“because …it’s not for me …and I don’t want to , besides I’m too busy”

ah yes, same old excuses .

“you don’t seem busy now listening to my problems or the other gazillion times I came to you to rant ”

“it’s different we’re best friends “he answered through his teeth

“well a relationship is like that but you get to be intimate with this person too” I continued to push knowing I was getting to him and crossing his invisible lines .

I was now standing in front of him ,and I could feel the shudder run through his body from my words

“stop it Ceels “he said warningly looking me straight in the eye

“why ?

“Ceels”

“Why is it not for you , you hug me , you hold my hands sometimes ,why can’t you have that with someone you’re in love with ” I countered stubbornly

“It’s not the same “now he’s looking anywhere but at me

“why? “I sound like a broken record

“why don’t you find someone ? “he shoots defensively

I stare back, seeing the panic in his eyes , he’s deflecting as usual , I’ve learned all of Chris’ tricks by now, this attack doesn’t phase me

“well ,cause I haven’t found my person yet”

-yes you have Cecilia (shut  up brain )

he turns his back to me pretending to wipe the clinically clean counter top and I can feel how tense his shoulders are , I know this reaction he’s giving me the do not approach signals.

so naturally I do the opposite

I put my  hands on his shoulders and he flinches a whole foot away from me his eyes darting around for an exit.

my heart twists ,its time to back off.

“hey Chris it’s ok , I was just upset from my sisters and you’re stressed ,I’m sorry ok  calm down “I said soothingly giving him an out

he nods silently avoiding my eyes but I can still see how tense he is

“umm I have to finish my closing argument , so ..” he says quietly

“it’s ok I’m beat , I need to change this awful dress and take a long bubble bath “I said dismissively backing away from him ,gathering my shoes and pouffy clutch – stupid sister-  and heading for the door

“Ceels ” he calls ,and I can hear the desperation in his voice

“yeah Chris ” I look from the door

um… tomorrow i’ll bring you cupcakes from the coffee shop you love near my work ” he says

and then silence with exchanged looks.

both of us burst laughing until I’m supporting my body by his front door

“I’m gonna get you for this Chris , one day you will look like shit and I will have my sweet revenge”

“don’t think so muffin ” he answers smugly

“shut it grumpy” I said heading to my door

” but I expect cupcakes tomorrow non the less”I shouted over my shoulders

he’s standing at his door smiling while looking at me waiting for me to get in ,and its like he’s a different person from before .

I smile back and close the door .

my smile falls once I’m inside , I prepare my bath silently and once Im in my tub , I finally allow my tears to flow

this is not the first time nor will it be the last time I tried with Chris and failed to reach through ,and it’s not the first time I’m crying over him either .

Simple desires

I observe him while they’re all talking, I’m sure someone said something about his looks because he does this head tilt breathy chuckle that he does when someone says something nice about him.like it’s the most absurd thing he’s heard, like the mere thought of him being good looking is out of this world. To be honest he is the most handsome of all the boys in our group, although it’s not the -in your face notice how good looking I am handsome- but the quiet unassuming handsome, that sticks with you long after you’ve gone home, remembering how his smile showed his dimples,or how his bright green eyes sparkled with amusement when he was in on a joke or a prank.

Most of us stopped complementing his looks along time ago . In the beginning when I first met him in highschool, I was bewildered by his reaction, but with time it was an unspoken rule amongst our group, focusing on Chris made him uncomfortable.

Actually there were a lot of unspoken rules in our group when it came to Chris ,don’t ask him about his childhood, don’t ask him why he never dates, don’t ask him to stay over, and if you want him to warm up to you and be your friend, never ask him why he always wears long sleeves even on the hottest of days.

The thing is we almost never broke these rules, you see being friends with Chris was a privilege that only a select few were allowed to experience, and I am proud to count myself as one of them,sure he was nice and friendly with all of us, but I noticed that he always had his guard up all the time, except some treasured moments when he would completely relax and tell me something about himself that only I was allowed to known, and I lived for these moments when he would stretch on the arm chair next to me and hum a tune that he would later say was from his days at the home.

I knew he was in the system, I just didn’t know anything else except the scrapes and pieces that he chose to give me about the kindest most loyal man I’ve ever met,but if I knew anything about myself it was that I was patient and I would wait no matter how long it took.

What do you think should I continue?

Relationship Agreement Part 4

Section 10: Sex:

  1. It is not mandatory to have sex on the first night of marriage. It is important for both parties to be ready and comfortable.
  2. “Dating” after getting married is to be accepted by the male. That means taking it one base at a time till each one is perfected.
  3. Research on pleasing the counterparty is advised, encouraged, and necessary. Porn is not a reference
  4. Having intensive knowledge about different sexual techniques and positions doesn’t mean that either had had a sexual relationship before, i.e. you didn’t marry a slut/manwhore.
  5. Foreplay is a MUST; only the female has the right to skip it when she wants.
  6. Compliments and appraisal for both parties are very important
  7. Both parties must do their part in making themselves look sexy for the counterpart, not only the female.
  8. Sex is NOT the natural progress of every touch. Second base and cuddling is considered a good closure.
  9. If either party is not in the mood, it is acceptable.
  10. It is encouraged for the female to make the first move; it is not only the male’s job.
  11. Constructive criticism is encouraged.
  12. Both parties must strive to become better sexual partners.
  13. The female and the male must always switch who is in control.
  14. Both parties must do all they can to keep their sex life alive.
  15. Trying new things in bed is highly encouraged… Really kinky fantasies must be discussed in advance.
  16. A safe word is a MUST; even when not doing kinky stuff. The safe word signals a stop; either party could be uncomfortable with what is taking place.
  17. NO PDA. The maximum amount of affection to be done in public is holding hands and kissing away from the mouth.
  18. No innuendos in public. Even if started by other members of the gathering, including parents.
  19. No sharing any sexual information with anyone; that includes parents and close friends.

Section 11: Occasions and Gifts:

  1. Forgetting an important occasion is not the end of the world, but the counterparty must be heavily compensated.
  2. No generic gifts allowed. Gifts are to be meaningful and personal; it is not about how expensive it is. It is better to buy a nurf-gun that one party has wished for and play with it together, than an expensive bottle of perfume.

Section 12: Romantic gestures:

  1. Romantic gestures don’t only belong in movies. They are essential as they help maintain affection in the marriage life.
  2. The gestures include but not limited to: kisses (not leading to sex), hugs, hand holding, cuddling on couch, and silly gifts.
  3. Gestures are not only limited to the male; the female also has the same obligation.

Make sure to check out the previous parts