Times Chris let me in –
I chose psychology as a major in college . I couldn’t tell you a definite reason , maybe I wanted to help people or figure out myself and the people around me, but if I was being honest with myself , it was because I wanted to help Chris .
I even wanted to help him more when he seemed to never question my choice in studies, purposely choosing to ignore the topic . even later on when I had taken a job as a social worker he never asked me about my cases he seemed to avoid it to all cost ,whenever one of the guys would ask me something about my work he would always busy himself with something and it frustrated the hell out of me .
Chris guarded his secrets like it was his source of life and to be honest it hurt me that he couldn’t trust me the way I trusted him , I told Chris everything , we were after all best friends and later on neighbors ,but sometimes some of those secrets spilled from that tightly clutched hands of his and I got to glimpse some of them before they slipt into the cracks and disappeared never to be revealed again, I think since the day I met Chris I always subconsciously wanted to help him, he was always there in the back of my mind .
I knew something unspeakable and horrible had happened to him I didn’t linger too much at what it might be because my heart hurt when I thought about it but there were always signs hinting to what might or probably did happen to him.
Chris always made himself smaller in crowds he also flinched from sudden movements always eyeing the exits , I didn’t quite pay attention to it until one time the guys were fooling around explaining a prank on one of the freshmen and john (the prankster of our group) had reached out to grab Chris for a demonstration ,it all happened in seconds , I could see the utter horror and panic that swept through Chris’s eyes , and I suddenly reacted by standing from the armchair I had curled in for the evening spontaneously yelling “burritos and ice-cream”
the four guys looked at me in surprise including Chris who seemed to snap out of whichever nightmare he was trapped in “Ceecee are you alright in the head” John asked mockingly
“yup very much but my stomach is craving burritos and ice-cream and it’s the last day of our exams and I would really like to stuff my face with junk food , now who’s in? ”
I finish my ramble with that question hoping to distract the attention from Chris and all the time I could feel his eyes on me and I was very aware of my tomato red face by then.
“who would say no to that” Tom finally answered my ramblings like my question was so absurd , I smiled in victory, I could always count on Tom’s appetite and eagerness to indulge in the unhealthiest of junk food.
“then lets roll ” Sam (ever the flirt) said smiling at me waving his hands while bowing “our princess has ordered and we must obey”
I waved grandly at them not being able to hold a straight face ” go my knights in peace may you be victorious in slaying the burrito truck”
throughout the exchange Chris was completely silent but his eyes were on me the whole time I glanced at him and saw that he was now behind the living room sofa using it as some kind of shield but his eyes …his forrest green eyes were stormy ,hesitant, careful ,and guarded like he had somehow revealed something that he shouldn’t and he was afraid of the consequences , but I just nodded at him and gave him a soft smile that he didn’t return , my guess was that he was still shaken up about the almost grab thing
“go in peace my ass” John interrupted my train of thoughts “you might be the princess but you’re driving the chariot since you’re the one with the car ”
“Fine” I huffed pretending to be annoyed “but Chris will clean up the apartment while we buy the food I swear there’s a dead racoon under the that flea infested sofa of yours ” good thinking Ceecee give him time to regroup he needs to catch his breath and recompose himself .
true to my thoughts Chris let out a sigh and nodded in approval.
“then it’s set ” I said with a grin and the three of us headed out leaving Chris to fetch some books from a classmate he said he needed and head to the apartment John ,Tom ,Sam and I shared .
later that night when I offered to pay for my share in the food John said that Chris had already paid for me cause he owed me some money ,needless to say I owed him nothing , it was just chris’s way of saying thank you and I accepted it as it was, he had acknowledged what happened and allowed me in even if it was just a little and I vowed to keep trying until I could fracture or even chip that big wall he had around himself .
It was a start.