Tag Archives: life

I Want To Be Happy

​I want to be happy….

Sounds simple. Pretty basic. I mean, we all want to be happy. It is a universal thing. We all agree on it.  So was is it so hard? Why aren’t I? 

I have asked myself that question so many times and I am still nowhere close to a possible answer. My life isn’t bad. I am grateful for what I have. I am thankful for every person in my family even when they at their worst. I have no real struggle or issue. My parents don’t leave in distress and they never abandon me. I have friends that were pretty much made for me. I have a job that while it doesn’t pay well, it leaves me with a lot of free time and flexibility.

So what is it? 

Why aren’t I happy?

I decided to stop asking myself that question and try to find out what would make me happy.

Maybe I am shooting down people’s suggestion and ideas too early!  Maybe they have the answer!

Will being in a relationship being me happiness or will it just bring hassle and drama?

Will having more money make me relaxed or will my expenses increase as well, leaving me in this endless cycle of having barley enough?

Will developing my hobbies and talents give me a purpose or will it become a task that I have to do?

Will anything I do ever make me happy or will my mind and life find a way to sabotage any chances I get?

Week 22 – Yearning

There are things I know I’m missing, which can haunt me to no end. I don’t always know what they are nor can I see them clearly at times. I’m thirsty for something, yearning for it – but what? No clue.

What can desire bring me? Will satisfying that itch, that yearning, will it make it all better? Would I be happy then? Will happiness cling to my chest and will peace take board?

I often doubt it. Sometimes when I know what it is I yearn, I know the harm and consequences that may occur. Many have tried to convince me to silence the voices that tell me not to give in to temptation. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I pride myself on saying “no”, but it’s frustrating and can be insulting when someone belittles my intelligence or beliefs. “Sure, I’ve been waiting for you to give me permission all me life.” When will it be okay to say yes?

There are times I yearn for something not so harmful (you know unless some freak accident kills me, or I contract some unknown disease that will later be named after me). Live by the ocean or the sea, camp out under the stars in the middle of nowhere. Trust a stranger and sleep on their couch. Open my heart, even if for a short while and let myself feel… try things that scare me. I yearn to live. I guess that’s the clearest image most times.

However, it’s the smaller things that can get to me at times. The day to days. The things I miss or wish for; the company, the care, the peace, the noise…the love. I find myself thinking about my mother often lately. I would think of those moments I disappointed her, or the moments I did something that hurt her in some way and I would beat myself up for not being a better a daughter. I wasn’t bad, but I still have those bad memories I thought I had forgotten or let go. It’s the love that I miss the most. I guess I beat myself up because I never showed her how much I loved her – that I appreciated her more than I’d showed.

There are moments I feel I’ve lived too long and times when I feel I haven’t lived at all; that the end will find me all too soon. I hope the end doesn’t find me too soon.

Have you?

Have you lived?

Did you cherish?

Have you hugged until your body bent and molded into your lover?

Have you relaxed into an embrace, thinking this was the safest place since your mothers womb?

Have you defused a fight with humor even though what you felt was fear?

Have you laughed when it wasn’t funny?

Have you cried in a crowd under your sunglasses?

Have you poped, hopped, and locked to your favorite tune?

Were you selfless?

Have you acted silly to cheer someone up?

Did you finally get that one day you wanted?

Have you finally put on that sexy red lipstick at the bottom of your drawer?

Have you allowed yourself to be pretty?

Did you finally get to strut?

Have you finally dropped the strong act?

Has anyone notice your despair?

Was someone finally in?

Was there anything left to salvage?

Did you help them?

Were you saved?

Did you let them?

Week 14 – The Deal: Part One

He emerged from the darkness, the dim street light barely illuminating his face. Hair styled and short, the wind couldn’t get it to dance like it did the surrounding shrubbery. His walk was sturdy and open, secure of every step he took. Although his boots were heavy, his step was light. Light struggled to reflect off his brown leather jacket, which weighed down his loose shirt. He smirked my way. It was my first time meeting him, but that smirk, although normally insulting, was comforting. A cat scurried across the road that still shimmered from the rain earlier that day.

“The house on the left” He said.

“Is the house on the right” I replied.

He smiled, completely unphased by what had just occurred. He took out an envelope from his pocket and gave it to me. I took a cursory glance at the bundle of money inside, judging that it looked about right. I nodded my head towards a nearby trash can, that hasn’t been cleaned since it was placed on that road. He walked over with a spring in his step, causing me to move back, unsure of how to read this stranger. He searched around the bin and looked my way, expressing with his hand “where?”. I gesture “underneath” and he gives me an “okay”.  The man lifts the metal bin and throws at an abandoned car, shattering the already battered windscreen. I heard the cries of a few feral creatures hiding in the dark, escaping the sudden intrusion into their urban habitat.

Momentarily distracted, I looked back at the customer, trying to keep a professional poker face. I didn’t want him to see the hoards of cells inside me screaming like people about to be massacred.

“Is it what you wanted?” I asked. Desperate to keep my voice from wavering.

He looked down at the fabric package and removed a crudely wrapped gun.

“Is it a 35 like I asked?”

“It is.” I replied.

His smile got bigger, causing the creases around his eye sockets to further hide his dark eyes. A cat screeched and dropped something heavy, startling me enough to look in its direction. My heart pounded against my ribcage trying to escape my chest, just as frightened as I was by the entire situation. I let out a staggered breath and looked back at the stranger. His smile now from ear to ear, hands out in front, legs spread out shoulder width.  I no longer faced the unhinged customer, but the barrel of the gun I had just delivered. He stood there, pointing it at me.

‘Shit’ I thought, ‘Is it loaded? Or did he load it?’. I could feel my guts telling me to run and my brain screamed MOVE! ‘FUCK! I’m going to die! I’m going to die! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!’

BANG! The sound echoed through the deserted neighbourhood.

 

To be continued…

Deadline

the-melting-watch

Deadline to succeed

Deadline to get there

Deadline to make it

Deadline to break down

Deadline to love

Deadline to live

Deadline to breath

Deadline to let go

Deadline to laugh

Deadline to cry

Deadline to try in order to be let down

Deadline to wake up

Deadline to rest

Make up your mind

Quickly now there’s not time

We have to meet the deadline

Briskly walk ,talk, hug and kiss

Deadline to think

Could I be saved

Untamed, let loose

Chase and fumble

Carefree with no deadlins to chain me

As I write, I note

There goes another deadline I meet

Simple Desires chapter 2

Times Chris let me in –

I chose psychology as a major in college . I couldn’t tell you a definite reason , maybe I wanted to help people or figure out myself and the people around me, but if I was being  honest with myself , it was because I wanted to help  Chris .

I even wanted to help him more when he seemed to never question my choice in studies,  purposely choosing to ignore the topic . even later on when I had taken a job as a social worker he never asked me about my cases he seemed to avoid it to all cost ,whenever one of the guys would ask me something about my work he would always busy himself with something and it frustrated the hell out of me .

Chris guarded his secrets like it was his source of life and to be honest it hurt me that he couldn’t trust me the way I trusted him , I told Chris everything , we were after all best friends and later on neighbors ,but sometimes some of those secrets spilled from that tightly clutched hands of his and I got to glimpse some of them before they slipt into the cracks and disappeared never to be revealed again, I think since the day I met Chris I always subconsciously wanted to help him, he was always there in the back of my mind .

I knew something unspeakable and horrible had happened to him I didn’t linger too much at what it might be because my heart hurt when I thought about it but there were always signs hinting to what might or probably did happen to him.

Chris always made himself smaller in crowds he also flinched from sudden movements always eyeing the exits , I didn’t quite pay attention to it until one time the guys were fooling around explaining a prank on one of the freshmen and john (the prankster of our group) had reached out to grab Chris for a demonstration ,it all happened in seconds , I could see the utter horror and panic  that swept through Chris’s eyes , and I suddenly reacted by standing from the armchair I had curled in for the evening spontaneously yelling “burritos and ice-cream”

the four guys looked at me in surprise including Chris who seemed to snap out of whichever nightmare he was trapped in “Ceecee are you alright in the head” John asked mockingly

“yup very much but my stomach is craving burritos and ice-cream and it’s the last day of our exams and I would really like to stuff my face with junk food , now who’s in? ”

I finish my ramble with that question hoping to distract the attention from Chris and all the time I could feel his eyes on me and I was very aware of my tomato red face by then.

“who would say no to that”  Tom finally answered my ramblings like my question was so absurd , I smiled in victory, I could always count on Tom’s appetite and eagerness to indulge in the unhealthiest of junk food.

“then lets roll ” Sam (ever the flirt) said smiling at me waving his hands while bowing “our princess has ordered and we must obey”

I waved grandly at them not being able to hold a straight face ” go my knights in peace may you be victorious in slaying the burrito truck”

throughout the exchange Chris was completely silent but his eyes were on me the whole time I glanced at him and saw that he was now behind the living room sofa using it as some kind of shield but his eyes …his forrest green eyes were  stormy ,hesitant, careful ,and guarded like he had somehow revealed something that he shouldn’t and he was afraid of the consequences , but I just nodded at him and gave him a soft smile that he didn’t return , my guess was that he was still shaken up about the almost grab thing

“go in peace my ass” John interrupted my train of thoughts “you might be the princess but you’re driving the chariot since you’re the one with the car ”

“Fine” I huffed  pretending to be annoyed “but Chris will clean up the apartment while we buy the food I swear there’s a dead racoon under the that flea infested sofa of yours ” good thinking Ceecee give him time to regroup he needs to catch his breath and recompose himself .

true to my thoughts Chris let out a sigh  and nodded in approval.

“then it’s set ” I said with a grin and the three of us headed out leaving Chris to fetch some books from a classmate he said he needed and head to the apartment John ,Tom ,Sam and I shared .

later that night when I offered to pay for my share in the food John said that Chris had already paid for me cause he owed me some money ,needless to say I owed him nothing , it was just chris’s way of saying thank you and I accepted it as it was,  he had acknowledged what happened and allowed me in even if it was just a little and I vowed to keep trying until I could fracture or even chip that big wall he had around himself .

It was a start.

Week 7 – Burn Burn

 

Wasted, my life, I feel at times.
Why have I suffered in a manner of such?
For suffering strengthens, we are told.
An eventful life or a peaceful one?
Which do you prefer?

I’ve always chosen eventful, for I know peace would bore me.
Sad, I think, my choice.
But, where’s the fun in the mild?
Spice, tantalises and awakens the sleeping spirit.

The spirit soars in and out, unhindered by the physical plane.
Although, it’s our own spirit chains that hold it back.
The blue flames to cut the chains lie down deep.
We extinguish it without a second thought.

Burn, burn. I wish to burn.
Burn the chains, burn the cage.
Burn the shadows that hide me.
Burn it all.

Let the demon come tonight.
Engulf me in his chest.
I’ve missed the scent he brings with him,
And I’ve missed the universe,
in the palm of his hand.

Week Seven – Fake it

“Fake it till you make it” became his motto.

He paints a smile on his face,

Covers his eyes with mask;

Masquerading another window to another soul.

He carries himself like he is nothing but joy.

“Fake it till you make it”

Just keep repeating :

Life is great,

No disappointment anywhere.

His Road is clear,

Paved and filled with signs.

His nightmares are actually blissful dreams,

Of everything he wants in life

“Fake it till you make it”

Just fake it well,

Your happiness will surely come.

It is just another mask away.

Just fake it well

And convince them all

And convincing yourself will be nothing but a switch.

“Fake it till you make it “

Till you make it out of this life

And pray for the day

Where happiness is the only reality.

Just fake and try to make it.

Fake it and hope it becomes more than an illusion

Week 3 – Untitled

I trek the earth in less than a blink.
Speak all languages and none.
All fear me, carrying me on their back, trying to outrun the day I visit.
My list isn’t physical, but endless, names increasing all the time.
I follow tears and the scent of blood.
Most loathe me, while others desire me.
No one truly knows me, for I am the loneliest of them all.
Although I bring peace, I’m seen as violent.
I’ve seen it all. I was not born but just was.
I am. I exist.

I do not choose, I am unbiased.
That second when you meet me is destined, unquestionable.
I may take, but I give;
I give life a chance to breathe, to grow.
I give you peace and rest from the running, the fighting,
from the struggle.

Do not run, but live.
Do not fear, but welcome.
Do not count, allow;
Allow yourself to enjoy what I cannot.
I envy the freedoms you enjoy. So enjoy them for me,
So when I come, you can tell me;
Tell me your adventures and all that you’ve done.
Tell me you’re ready and it’s time.

I am not your enemy but your friend.
I will not take you before your time.
So let me motivate you, not to run, but to live.
Take each stride as it comes, don’t think about me.
It’s okay. I won’t be sad.

Don’t let it slip you by, that which I cannot enjoy,
For Darkness will come anyway.

what I want

What I want,

I want silent looks across the room,

I want a conversation summarized in a nod,

I want companionship not company,

I want muffled laughs in the pillow so we won’t wake up the kids,

I want lazy patterns drawn on naked skin,

I want united fronts in the face of anyone who tries to question us,

I want shoulder kisses,

I want kuddles,

I want 11:00pm baking, and 6:00am coffee mugs in bed,

I want long lingering hugs,

I want a life measured in laughs,

I want cheek kisses,

I want banter,

I want fights that end with making out,

I want loud words but not hurtful,

I want back hugs while doing the dishes,

I want tender words whispered after a long day,

I want waking up to eager eyes,

I want matching wrinkles,

I want grey hair counting competitions,

I want movie night pop corn,

I want cold toes mixed with warm under blankets,

I want singing in the car,

I want a bond that can’t be broken by death,

I want a love that surpasses the grave,

I want what is unique, heartwarming, intense, consuming, tender and farfetched…

But I want it all the same.