Tag Archives: hurt

Simple Desires chapter 6

You know that moment before the impact, that split second between oblivion and the shattering truth, like that instant in some hospital corridor when the doctor is heading down to tell the anxiously waiting family that piece of news that will slowly unravel the fabric of their existence, these tightly woven memories and constants that will soon change after the doctor pulls at the binding threads.

I’ve always been intrigued and drawn to examine such moments or what I call the ‘’the seconds before the impact”

To this day I still remember my first “seconds before the impact “and unwittingly I thought it would be my last.

It was 2 a.m and Chris hadn’t returned from god knows where , I had completed the evening with my mum so she wouldn’t get too worried and had found out that Chris had rushed out claiming he had an urgent work matter to deal with.

Had he noticed me?

Did he hear me as I came down the stairs?

I kept thinking about that awful scratching sound and the blood…….

what was bone chilling is that Chris didn’t seem to care about the mess,  and part of me felt he sought relief in that mess he reveled in the savagery he was inflicting on his skin

Was his other arm like that?

I sat on my bed unable to sleep until I knew he was home safe, I’d tried calling him but his cell was closed.

At 3 am I heard stumbling behind the wall adjacent to mine, I quickly headed out to the hall unlocking Chris’s door –we had each other’s keys in case of emergency- as I rushed through his disheveled apartment I didn’t have a moment to notice the waning signs.

Chris was never messy, in fact he was agonizingly immaculate bordering on OCD

This wasn’t normal

Something was disturbingly wrong

I headed quietly towards his bedroom bracing myself of what I might see…

“Chris”

He was balled up in the corner next to his dresser, his head was bowed and I could see he was shaking

“Chris” I called again not knowing what to do or how to begin to gather those shattered pieces bundled together in the corner

“Chris, sweetie can you hear me?”

I approached him silently afraid to make a sudden move, he looked like a wounded animal, and then I heard that blood freezing scratching sound again.

“Oh god “I covered my mouth, tears welling in my eyes as he continued to scratch the already raw flesh of his forearm completely oblivious to my body crouching in front of him.

His sleeves were no longer  clean , but instead stained with his own blood , and I got a feeling that Chris had two self-harming states , the controlled one he had at my mother’s house and this frantic unstable one he was having here in the comfort of his own apartment

I called his name again but he didn’t answer. I forced his chin up to see his face but he was so stiff and wooden

I tried again trying to seek comfort in his warm green eyes, but they were closed in a grimace, brows knitted and his mouth was slightly opened his breathing shallow.

I could smell the alcohol in his breath.

Chris never drinks.

I buried my face near his neck whispering comforting words coaxing him out of whatever hell he’s been trapped in.

“Chris sweetie please , you’re hurting yourself , please Chris don’t do this honey , Chris listen to my voice” I kept pleading with him through my tears ,my body was so pressed to him that we might as well been one .

I slowly reached my hand to his frantic one, touching his bloody fingers “Chris you’re breaking my heart Chris please, I’m so sorry I didn’t know, please forgive me”

His sense of urgency slowed down and I took the opportunity to grab at his hands holding them tightly, he tried to struggle resisting my touch but I was so determined to snap him out of it.

I pressed my face harder to his neck “it’s ok, you’re ok Chris, I got you, its ok I’m here I got you, you can stop now “ I kept chanting the words over and over until I felt him relax into me , I hadn’t noticed then of course but later I realized that it was the first time Chris had let me be that near to him or touch him

When I felt him completely relax, his muscles unwinding. I slowly took him by the hand urging him up, thankfully he complied.

I led him to his en suit bathroom and sat him at the edge of the tub, I grabbed the nearest towel and soaked it with water .all the time I made sure I was still holding his hand, I was so terrified to leave him alone for a minute fearing he would return to his self-harm.

I quickly reached for the antiseptic he had in his mirror cabinet, unsurprisingly I found a soothing balm that was also anti scarring.

I cleaned his wound , pressing gently at the raw skin , all that time Chris’s eyes were almost closed as if he was barely conscious to what was happening , I feared the antiseptic would sting but Chris hadn’t even flinched as if he was completely numb,. I applied the soothing balm and slowly wrapped his abused arm in gauze and cleaned the mess we made

My hands hesitated when it came to what I wanted to do next. I slowly reached his shirt unbuttoning it but Chris’s eyes suddenly shot wide in panic

What are you doing? His voice was terrified and shaky, his eyes glazed and unseeing

“Chris it’s ok sweetie, I’m just going to take off your shirt and get you a clean one “I said soothingly

Chris did not seem to comprehend my words his eyes were still wide, cold sweat erupted on his forehead

“Please don’t do this, please I won’t do anything please I’ll sit quietly I won’t fidget “Chris’s voice pleaded with me, his eyes filled with agony

My heart sank and shattered and bled

I realized Chris didn’t know it was me ……..Chris saw someone else in my place someone who had hurt him.

Someone who the mere action of moving caused him to terrify Chris to that extent.

“Chris baby it me, Ceels “I sobbed out

“Chris, its Cecilia you didn’t do anything wrong honey I just want you in a clean shirt “I ran my hands through his soft hair.

His mesmerizing green eyes focused on my face and a bewildered look replaced the terrifying one

“Ceels?”

“Yes it’s me Chris, I’m just going to remove this shirt ok “I kept my eye contact, as I slowly unbuttoned his bloody dress shirt.

Chris’s eyes stayed on me drinking me in as if he thought I wasn’t real, I slowly finished my task and tried to push the sleeves off his shoulders, but he stiffened

“Chris I’m just going to slip it off gently” I said soothingly, afraid he was confused again

But he wasn’t, I could see that at this moment he knew who I was but he was still afraid

I gently slid the sleeves off, shushing him and telling him he’s going to be fine, when my hands pushed at the sleeves removing them from his arms I gasped …….

I was wrong …..The moment I found him in his bedroom wasn’t my moment of impact…

This was.

 

Simple Desires chapter 2

Times Chris let me in –

I chose psychology as a major in college . I couldn’t tell you a definite reason , maybe I wanted to help people or figure out myself and the people around me, but if I was being  honest with myself , it was because I wanted to help  Chris .

I even wanted to help him more when he seemed to never question my choice in studies,  purposely choosing to ignore the topic . even later on when I had taken a job as a social worker he never asked me about my cases he seemed to avoid it to all cost ,whenever one of the guys would ask me something about my work he would always busy himself with something and it frustrated the hell out of me .

Chris guarded his secrets like it was his source of life and to be honest it hurt me that he couldn’t trust me the way I trusted him , I told Chris everything , we were after all best friends and later on neighbors ,but sometimes some of those secrets spilled from that tightly clutched hands of his and I got to glimpse some of them before they slipt into the cracks and disappeared never to be revealed again, I think since the day I met Chris I always subconsciously wanted to help him, he was always there in the back of my mind .

I knew something unspeakable and horrible had happened to him I didn’t linger too much at what it might be because my heart hurt when I thought about it but there were always signs hinting to what might or probably did happen to him.

Chris always made himself smaller in crowds he also flinched from sudden movements always eyeing the exits , I didn’t quite pay attention to it until one time the guys were fooling around explaining a prank on one of the freshmen and john (the prankster of our group) had reached out to grab Chris for a demonstration ,it all happened in seconds , I could see the utter horror and panic  that swept through Chris’s eyes , and I suddenly reacted by standing from the armchair I had curled in for the evening spontaneously yelling “burritos and ice-cream”

the four guys looked at me in surprise including Chris who seemed to snap out of whichever nightmare he was trapped in “Ceecee are you alright in the head” John asked mockingly

“yup very much but my stomach is craving burritos and ice-cream and it’s the last day of our exams and I would really like to stuff my face with junk food , now who’s in? ”

I finish my ramble with that question hoping to distract the attention from Chris and all the time I could feel his eyes on me and I was very aware of my tomato red face by then.

“who would say no to that”  Tom finally answered my ramblings like my question was so absurd , I smiled in victory, I could always count on Tom’s appetite and eagerness to indulge in the unhealthiest of junk food.

“then lets roll ” Sam (ever the flirt) said smiling at me waving his hands while bowing “our princess has ordered and we must obey”

I waved grandly at them not being able to hold a straight face ” go my knights in peace may you be victorious in slaying the burrito truck”

throughout the exchange Chris was completely silent but his eyes were on me the whole time I glanced at him and saw that he was now behind the living room sofa using it as some kind of shield but his eyes …his forrest green eyes were  stormy ,hesitant, careful ,and guarded like he had somehow revealed something that he shouldn’t and he was afraid of the consequences , but I just nodded at him and gave him a soft smile that he didn’t return , my guess was that he was still shaken up about the almost grab thing

“go in peace my ass” John interrupted my train of thoughts “you might be the princess but you’re driving the chariot since you’re the one with the car ”

“Fine” I huffed  pretending to be annoyed “but Chris will clean up the apartment while we buy the food I swear there’s a dead racoon under the that flea infested sofa of yours ” good thinking Ceecee give him time to regroup he needs to catch his breath and recompose himself .

true to my thoughts Chris let out a sigh  and nodded in approval.

“then it’s set ” I said with a grin and the three of us headed out leaving Chris to fetch some books from a classmate he said he needed and head to the apartment John ,Tom ,Sam and I shared .

later that night when I offered to pay for my share in the food John said that Chris had already paid for me cause he owed me some money ,needless to say I owed him nothing , it was just chris’s way of saying thank you and I accepted it as it was,  he had acknowledged what happened and allowed me in even if it was just a little and I vowed to keep trying until I could fracture or even chip that big wall he had around himself .

It was a start.