Tag Archives: desire

Week 22 – Yearning

There are things I know I’m missing, which can haunt me to no end. I don’t always know what they are nor can I see them clearly at times. I’m thirsty for something, yearning for it – but what? No clue.

What can desire bring me? Will satisfying that itch, that yearning, will it make it all better? Would I be happy then? Will happiness cling to my chest and will peace take board?

I often doubt it. Sometimes when I know what it is I yearn, I know the harm and consequences that may occur. Many have tried to convince me to silence the voices that tell me not to give in to temptation. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I pride myself on saying “no”, but it’s frustrating and can be insulting when someone belittles my intelligence or beliefs. “Sure, I’ve been waiting for you to give me permission all me life.” When will it be okay to say yes?

There are times I yearn for something not so harmful (you know unless some freak accident kills me, or I contract some unknown disease that will later be named after me). Live by the ocean or the sea, camp out under the stars in the middle of nowhere. Trust a stranger and sleep on their couch. Open my heart, even if for a short while and let myself feel… try things that scare me. I yearn to live. I guess that’s the clearest image most times.

However, it’s the smaller things that can get to me at times. The day to days. The things I miss or wish for; the company, the care, the peace, the noise…the love. I find myself thinking about my mother often lately. I would think of those moments I disappointed her, or the moments I did something that hurt her in some way and I would beat myself up for not being a better a daughter. I wasn’t bad, but I still have those bad memories I thought I had forgotten or let go. It’s the love that I miss the most. I guess I beat myself up because I never showed her how much I loved her – that I appreciated her more than I’d showed.

There are moments I feel I’ve lived too long and times when I feel I haven’t lived at all; that the end will find me all too soon. I hope the end doesn’t find me too soon.


The clan was dying, starvation evident on their bodies. Bones showing and weight lost. Fear was spreading and death was knocking on doors. The spirits embraced one after the other, despair became their only emotion. Hunters had disappeared, one by one. Every week, one of them would leave to perform his duty but would never return. Food was becoming scarce; carcasses no were nowhere to be found. In despair, the clan leaders decided to send clan members to find food and if possible find the hunters.

Nayoko, one of the chosen, passed the borders of his beloved home in fear. It was not permitted for clan members to leave the borders, only the hunters. Nayoko was no hunter, so he trembled as he walked through the forest. He dwelled deeper- and as he moved, his fear turned to awe and wonder. Curious, he touched the trees as he walked, whispering his thanks to the spirits; showing his respect to the creations and nature as he was taught.

Nayoko’s path seemed endless, for night and day he searched for any sign of life within the forest. There were no tracks of any animal to be found, Nayoko’s quest was futile. With every step his resolve wavered, as hunger and thirst gnawed at his belly. He walked on as the wonder and awe were soon replaced by fatigue and despair. Yet, he strode on refusing to give in to his exhaustion and sore feet. Nayoko walked till there were no more trees.

A huge wide meadow was the only thing in sight, and with no sign of life. He stood there drenched in sweat and shaking with exhaustion as he slammed to the ground and angrily screamed in frustration. While Nayoko knelt there staring at the ground, a pair of feet appeared. He raised his head slowly and looked up to the most stunning blue eyes. The figure in front of him moved back and he was able to take a better look. He found a girl, a beautiful young girl. They were similar in appearance, dark skinned and black hair and even the same pointy nose. They were similar except for her striking blue eyes, the eyes of magik.

She stared at him in confusion, Nayoko thought she must be wondering why he was there or perhaps she had not dealt with another human being in a while. He felt sympathy towards her; he had been away from his clan for days and despised every moment of loneliness. The clan exiled blue eyed magiks, they were seen as evil. Once they reached maturity, they were banished and never spoken of again. They were feared, yet he stood here in front of one, fearless as he stared into her enchanting wide eyes. She smiled innocently, but he couldn’t smile back.

She walked backwards and away, not turning her back to him. Banishment had taught her well. Nayoko opened his mouth to call her back, when she suddenly started to sing and move her body in the trained moves of the welcoming dance of his people. She danced gracefully light on her feet and not missing a beat. Then she stopped and looked at him silently, beckoning him to join her. Nayoko moved forward till he stood before her, and he began to sing. He started with a low timid voice, unexpectedly shy. Then he started hesitantly to move his body to the dance of his people, and she began to imitate his every move. He stopped and so did she, he raised his hand upwards and so did she. He opened his mouth and then so did she. She then laughed at his confusion, and Nayoko understood that this was not a welcoming dance; it was either a game or a mating dance.

So he sang again, louder, and moved his body to the beat of the self-made song and she mirrored his every move with no fault; both maneuvering their way gracefully across the meadow, their voices beckoning birds to join in. A mirror of precise movements. They danced opposite each other, close but not once did they touch. Each was enjoying the feeling the dance and song provided.

Nayoko, abruptly, moved close to her and stopped dancing, they stood facing each other with a slim space between them, panting heavily. His eyes stared down into hers and they slowly strayed down to her lips. Nayoko whispered the last words of the song as he slowly leaned down to kiss her. She was timid, as if it was her first kiss, but that did not last for long. She grabbed his face and kissed him voraciously, a hunger he had never felt before, hunger for intimacy and human touch.

As they parted, they held each other and their foreheads touched. They were panting with desire, when she whispered Sindoor. Nayoko smiled, and whispered his own name as well. He suddenly felt her trembling, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Nayoko held her face between his palms, wiping her tears, his eyes silently asking her what was wrong. When his face contorted from confusion to pain, he screamed out as the pain in his chest increased. He looked down the space between them to find only part of her arm, while the rest of it was inside him. Nayoko looked at her in shock. Sindoor pulled back her arm forcefully and he screamed loudly into the meadow as his soul was being taken.

Sindoor held in her hands his still hot beating heart, her face smudged with Nayoko’s blood and her tears. She watched him stumble and fall to the ground, as he finally saw the meadow. There was no greenery, the land was filled with bodies with empty chests like his own and the ground smudged with their spilled blood. The disappearing hunters  he thought. As he took his last breaths, he saw Sindoor standing like a queen in the meadow surrounded by her slaughters, licking his heart as it dripped blood down her arms and on to the ground. Life fled out of him, as Sindoor walked away among the lifeless bodies with his heart in her grip.