Category Archives: Rants

I Want To Be Happy

​I want to be happy….

Sounds simple. Pretty basic. I mean, we all want to be happy. It is a universal thing. We all agree on it.  So was is it so hard? Why aren’t I? 

I have asked myself that question so many times and I am still nowhere close to a possible answer. My life isn’t bad. I am grateful for what I have. I am thankful for every person in my family even when they at their worst. I have no real struggle or issue. My parents don’t leave in distress and they never abandon me. I have friends that were pretty much made for me. I have a job that while it doesn’t pay well, it leaves me with a lot of free time and flexibility.

So what is it? 

Why aren’t I happy?

I decided to stop asking myself that question and try to find out what would make me happy.

Maybe I am shooting down people’s suggestion and ideas too early!  Maybe they have the answer!

Will being in a relationship being me happiness or will it just bring hassle and drama?

Will having more money make me relaxed or will my expenses increase as well, leaving me in this endless cycle of having barley enough?

Will developing my hobbies and talents give me a purpose or will it become a task that I have to do?

Will anything I do ever make me happy or will my mind and life find a way to sabotage any chances I get?

Week 18 – Becoming Self-Aware

I know who I am -kinda, and I know what made me this way, or so I thought.
But now, I am becoming self aware; breaking my very own 4th wall.
I always thought that yes, I am a product of my environment,  but in a different way. I thought that I saw what society was telling people who to be, and I reacted differently,  acted out I guess. I thought I was right, strong, fought and triumphed. 
But now, I have my doubts!
Society has told women that their beauty is what makes them strong,  desirable, and unique. I see girls and women taking complete care of themselves;  hair , makeup and style done to perfection. But on the other hand, I own a total of 3 makeup thingies that my friend made me buy and that I use twice a year when I am forced to. As for my clothes am completely fine with wearing the same outfit for a week, buying the same colors and style. I just don’t care.
I don’t care how awesome I look. I don’t dress to impress.  As long as I am presentable and don’t look like a hobo, I am good to go.
I don’t know why I am like that… I just am.
But who is right?

I see people taking countless selfies of themselves, no one else in the picture. But I find it impossible to do the same. I could be on the top of the highest mountain with a spectacular view, open the front camera, but be unable to take the picture. It just feels like I am doing something wrong, shameful.
While people love having their picture taken, I have always prefer to be out of the frame.
Are they conceited or am I insecure?!

Most people cannot wait to fall in love.  They keep getting involved and having relationships. But for me, it is something that I am dreading. So now I wonder if it is a self esteem thing; I was never loved so I don’t feel lovable.  So as a self protection mechanism,  did I condemn love? But no! I am sure it is a result of my observations! People lie, deceive, live in illusions, break hearts, then move on to the next one. I have long had my doubts about it! I don’t think I have conditioned myself!

But what if all that I thought I was; my strong personality, resilience, quirkiness,  are all not who I really am? What if I have been brainwashed and conditioned? It was just done stealthy by my subconscious!
I have always thought I had fought the current, gone my own way, shaped my own personality. But could it be that at the end, I did go with the flow, it was just a different river?!

Week 17 – Simple love

she loves herself.
But at times she realises that she loves herself because she is supposed to; it is mandatory,  the way it should be. It is after all the right thing to do.
But sometimes she feels it is not enough.
Maybe it is because she knows deep inside, just how strong her demons are. She knows that if she were to meet herself as another person, she won’t like who she is. She knows all her rough edges, but she doesn’t want to smooth anything out
She is strong.  She has survived a lot. She has grown impenetrable skin, never to be harmed or even scratched. But late at night she knows she can’t sleep because she wants to feel loved. She doesn’t want a great love story worthy of movies. She just wants to feel loved and cared for. She wants to be seen, admired, but not put on a pedestal.  She needs someone to see who she really is, and feel without a doubt, that that person is worth loving.
She wants her scars to be attractive.
Her roughness to be desired. 
She wants someone to show her that she doesn’t need to be anyone else,  that she doesn’t need to fake anything even for a second.
She wants to feel her heart beat.
She needs to feel alive.

I’ll Still Love You

I pity you, because you limit yourself with only your ideals. I pity you, because you’re hardly understood. I pity you, because you choose to blame everything else except yourself. I pity you because you only blame yourself. I pity you for loving me so much that you’ve stopped living your life fully. I pity you, because nothing is ever enough.

I don’t hate you, even though you make me hate myself. I don’t hate you, even though you’ve managed to always make me feel guilty. I don’t hate you, even though I spent my time scared of being like you. I don’t hate you, even though I want to for not being strong enough. I don’t hate you, even though I’m never enough.

I’ve come to love you out of duty rather than out of passion. I’ve come to hate myself for feeling that way. My guilt eats me, as my brain tries to justify it. I only want you to be happy, but you seem to want things that I can’t give you. Every time I pursue my own happiness, you guilt me with every step. You won’t let me fly and fall, you want to clip my wings. You can’t do that though, so instead you guilt me with every step I take. I know you want me to be happy, but on your terms not mine. I wish if you would clip my wings instead, because I know I can fight it, but I can’t fight guilt and disappointed looks.

I’ll still love you no matter what, you’ve done so much for me. I wish if I could make you happy, I wish I had never told you the truth. I wish I can go back to pretending to be someone that I’m not. I know it might have made you happy, but truth is it wouldn’t have made a difference.

I’ll still love you no matter what, because it’s my duty. I know you love me and no one will ever love me like you do, but your love hurts me so much, I sometimes can’t breathe and yet your love is what helped me survive so far. Your love is what made me who I am. Your love and support is what always made me feel safe.

So I’m sorry for not being enough. I’m sorry for not making you happy. I’m sorry for not expressing my love to you. I’m sorry for not being there the way you want me to be. I’m sorry for wanting to live my life by my own ideals. I’m sorry I could not make you proud. I’m sorry you think I’m lost. I’m sorry for being me, and most importantly I’m sorry for not being able to care anymore.

I want to understand you, to help you. I blame myself for not being able to reach out properly. Believe me, I’ve tried but with every attempt, I face a wall so thick and confusing. You provoke me so easily and guilt me just as quick. I have tried different ways to communicate and with each try I’ve come to fail. Days turned to months and months turned to years and the result was the same. So I’m sorry but I no longer care, I’m tired of trying and always failing. I’m tired of talking to a wall. I’m tired of never being enough.

With your love you’ve managed to suffocate me and push me away. With your love you have turned my passion to duty. With your love you have managed to make me care less about you.

Week 9 – I Am Life

I am a woman

Why do I have to make sacrifices?
Why is it my job to take care of every one
And then made to feel guilty or weak when wanting the same?
Why am I selfish when I ask for alone time?
Why am I not allowed the luxury of a breakdown
When all this burden becomes too much?

Why is my identity so irrelevant and disposable?
Why do I have to choose between having a family
And keeping my identity?
Why do I have to abandon my career
To raise my future kids?
Why do I have to erase who I am and become only a mum?
Why can’t men do the same?
They won’t be my kids alone,
We will make them together!

Why are only men allowed to be egotistical and act like gods ?
And yet I am vain if I ever acknowledge my beauty or intelligence!

Species go extinct when the number of females goes down
But only one man is enough to ensure its existence

Men might rule the earth,
But we are the reason it still exists.
We are the reason it will continue to exist.
You are the one who is replaceable,  not me.

I do not care

So the thing is …I do not care

You look and  pressure with you glare, insisting on what you deem as right

As I search into the intricates of my soul, I find that I truly ..do not care

Now now do not huff and puff, quite simply put

in cliché words and lame terms…

It’s not you it’s me!

I do not care, I used to though

oh how I used to fuss and fret, arrange and change or even reinvent  to squeeze and fold and trim myself to fit your cracked up mold.

I see you glaring tutting and staring, scolding me into your cold little box.

OK….umm  maybe I’ve babbled forgive me sometimes I tread off tracks

But just in case I wasn’t clear

Fuck you, I don’t give a shit!

Week 4 – Lack of Emotional Connection

It seems lately that the topics “emotional connection” and “intimacy” have been coming up a lot lately. I’m not sure if it’s due to the “power of attraction,” because I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit these days, or because it just happens to be the latest Zeitgeist.

Dating these days is very different to what it once was. Back in the day (yes I used that phrase), dating required a lot more courting, respect and generally time invested in getting to know each other. Nowadays dating is all about how fast you can get “in and out.” No one seems to give a damn (guys and girls…mostly guys) about truly connecting. The fast paced life we’re now used to, has made a large percentage of the population incredibly impatient. We expect everything right away, instant gratification at the touch of an icon. What’s the rush?

Love or even just mutual attraction doesn’t necessarily last that way, in fact I’ve noticed a trend of girls (and some guys) who are fed up of the fast paced, impersonal and cold state of dating. People are craving emotional connection and intimacy over sex. Someone who knows who are, someone who can truly feel you. Not the prevailing “Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma’am.”

People these days (we seem to be very few) are looking for someone they can cuddle up on the couch with while watching a movie. Someone to play a game with. Someone you can share the mundanity of everyday life with, making it more interesting. Fellow humans are craving the long night conversations about nothing and everything, the face to face interaction (currently replaced by messaging), the warmth you can only get by holding someone’s hand. They’re yearning for that giddy feeling you used to get when you saw your crush (way back when). They miss the small meaningful touches that happen without thought. Those moments during the day when you catch yourself lost in thought about that person.

The current dating scene hardly takes into consideration those of us who have a lot of commitment, touching and emotional hang ups. Myself and a few friends can have some personal space issues – as in “DO NOT ENTER”, however we do not entirely push people away. We will accept your hug and handshake, but only if it’s sincere and we know you have no “weird” intentions towards us. We will allow you into our personal space, when we feel that yours is similar, unintrusive and non harmful.

We aren’t opposed to intimacy and a physical connection, however we’re just not interested in one that doesn’t come with emotions and some sort of security. We’re not necessarily looking for something that’ll last, yet we don’t want to waste our time with people who are impatient and looking for the instant gratification, hoping that it’ll fill something within.

Someone I had pushed away in the past recently got in touch and told me he understood what I meant when I told him I felt asexual. For some the term means (as pertaining to plants) a thing which can reproduce within itself (which he thought I’d meant at the time). I went on to explain that I felt “sexless” or “genderless.” I did not feel I had any desire to anyone or connection even to being a female. I felt like a being who no longer had any desires whatsoever. I was going through one of my modes of depression at the time, but generally I’ve found that it’s quite close to how I feel now. By the way he misunderstood what I meant and his epiphany wasn’t what I was trying to tell him at all.

There are so many labels out there (current fave – demisexual), some more confusing than others, but whatever you call yourself in the end, no one will know how you feel regarding stuff like this better than you. Instant gratification is the modern day curse and ever growing disease. The constantly twisting mentality of some people has made them bulldoze over other people’s emotional and physical complexes. We have some things we find hard to share, express or even get over. We need time, empathy and a little compassion. In fact our partner (or potential prospect) needs to be smart, patient and a little selfless.

In the end it really does come down to trust. With the way the newer (and even the older tech savvy) generations are acting with their ever changing partners, one night stands and bang buddies, there doesn’t seem to be much room for trust. How can someone with a tumultuous childhood and adolescence (and later adulthood), trust someone who is so ready to move on when something doesn’t go their way. When we grew up watching our parents, friends and even ourselves go through relationship and commitment problems, how can we trust those who take such things so lightly. I’m not saying that we’re all commit-a-phobes, or that we’re looking for commitment or nothing (as many of us are okay with something that might not end up being forever), however we’re looking for the security and safety in trusting that person, someone who won’t just abandon us at a drop of a hat and won’t hang out our personal moments for all to see. Someone who won’t betray, berate or belittle us.

How many people do you know who feel the same way? How many times have you thought you’re sick of the shallow relationships? How many moments were there when you felt lonely because no one was there to hear you out, or even just there to share a drink? How many times were you in so much pain, that you wished you had a chest to bury your head into, with arms to embrace your pain away? Intimacy cannot be rented; intimacy without emotional connection is just empty… a waste of time. Are you tired of wasting your time?

The Truth

As each day passes by I grow more indifferent. I look at people and I pity them. They are pathetic. Look at them fighting over petty things. Look at them killing each other. Look at them fighting for control. Look at them feeling sorry for themselves. Look at them judging each other. I feel myself shrinking into my cocoon, I hate everything and everyone. I stop socializing because I can’t deal with people anymore. I can’t take their bullshit, it has become too much to handle. I’m crawling into my cave of silence and loneliness because it’s safer. My comfort zone is my life, a path of safety and yet it is a path of self-destruction. Then, perhaps the reality of this hatred is that I see myself in these people. Maybe I hate them because I’m pathetic. I’m the one who’s fighting, judging, and hating others. I am what I see in them.

Week 1 – DeeDee’s Dating Adventures

just me

“You’re too slow”                                       “How can you be so cold?”

“You’re a tease”                                          “You’re not who you said you were”

“You’re too prudish”                                 “Loosen up”

“You’re not what I expected”                “You’re still a virgin?!”

These are just a few things I’ve heard throughout my minuscule dating life. I’m not the typical attractive “chick” nor do I fit into the unachievable measurements of beauty shoved down my throat, but I like to think I have a “great personality”.

When I’m in the mood or sometimes just bored, I throw out the bait and wait to see what the ocean of ‘men’ has to offer. More times than not, my bait pulls in the slimy inedible fish that are immediately thrown back. I fall into despair and return to hating fish. To be fair, I rarely put out my premium bait.

I set myself up for failure and the occasional sad meal. One such meal took place not so long ago.

Gym Dude

“Hey Babe, how you doin’?”

“Aah, I’m fine…you?”

“You know what it’s like yeah. Got that hot burn from the gym. I’m dying to get some munch in me”

Awkward smile… “Haha…yeah” Clearly he can’t tell I never even think about going to gyms and is it me or shouldn’t he have grown out of that form of speech years ago?

After ordering our meals…

“So you really like the gym I see.”

file000272400778“Yeah, check out these guns ‘ere! I love ’em big.” Wink, wink.

“Oh please someone get me out of here.”

“What did you say?”

“Oh! Just that your arms are fantastic – I’m sure Guinness World Records will be knocking on your door any day now.”

“Yeah? You think?”

Kill me now.

I wish he were the worst I’d met. Not long before Gym Dude…

Sub Wannabe

“So…you read Fifty Shades of Grey?” Sleazy smirk.

Clear throat, jeez another one. “No, but I’ve noticed a lot of people have.”

“It’s real sexy. Clearly women are hiding a lot of kinky desires.”

“Really? I’ve been told otherwise. Most of the women I know who read it told me the content was beyond inaccurate, the form was childish and quite unimaginative.”

“You’re right.”

What now? This is new.

chains“You see, I partake myself. I like a woman who likes to dominate.”

Don’t freak out, don’t freak out. Keep calm.

“You do huh? How so?”

“Sit on me.”

What?

Leaning over, “Smother me”

Move, move.

“Trample me”

Shit.

Phew. He was intense, just not in the good way. Sigh. Let’s not forget “Mr. I LOVE GERARD BUTLER!”

Mr. I LOVE GERARD BUTLER!

“Which male celebrities would you drop your undies for?” Glint in eye.

“Hmm… well I haven’t really thought  much about it.”

“What about Gerard Butler?”

“Haha… hmmm well it would depend. I guess if he worked for it I might.”

“It’s Gerard Butler! I’d turn gay for him!”keep-calm-and-love-gerard-butler-16

“Yeah, sure he’s hot. Love him to bits, but I’m not so easy – even if it were him.”

“What?!”

“I’m not giving up my virginity that easily”

“Are you a lesbian?”

“Excuse me?”

“You must be a lesbian. There’s no woman out there who could resist Gerard Butler. Maybe a little bi?”

Wow…just wow.

Same guy a little later…

“You know virginity isn’t measured by the hymen”

“Oh? Then how is it measured?” Suddenly men are experts.

“A girl can keep her hymen but still be a slut.”

“I’m not a slut”

“Of course not, I mean that girls can still do everything and be anything but virgins. They’re virgins in name.”

“You shouldn’t hold on to your virginity just because society tells you”

file7681253727302Oh because I’ve been waiting for your “highness” to come tell me after so many years that it’s “okay” to let my beliefs go.

“I don’t do it for society, I do so for myself. It’s precious to me.”

“It’s no longer a factor you know. Everyone’s having sex.”

“Clearly not. Same way a woman has a right to sleep with whichever idiot she likes, a woman also has the right to keep her chastity”

“Women have too many rights. You women complain about wanting to be equal to men, you already have more rights than you need.”

Oh you did not just go there!

Remembering that never fails to infuriate me. Okay, so tell me – how can a girl even think about taking dating seriously when we’re bombarded by idiots. When does the diamond in rough make an appearance? Short of somehow creating our own lifelike android to satisfy our sappy lonely moments, we’re forced to either dance the dance or fight off every snivelling shark munching its way to our doorsteps.

My recent conversation with “Mr. I’m so horny” was a reminder of the ordeal.

Mr. I’m So Horny

“So what’s up”

“Watching a movie. You?”

“Bored. Working on some translation.”

“Good Luck”

“So am I still banned from coming to your home? Why don’t you come over and we can watch a movie together. I’ll be finished by the time you get here.”

file000937628092

God, not this again.

“I already told you that 1. I’m not comfortable enough around you to let you into my home, or go to yours, 2. You only ever remember me when you’re bored or horny and 3. I don’t have a car, no way am I going to take a taxi in the middle of the night for you.”

“Oh come on, don’t make up such stiff rules. We’ve had some great conversations before”

“Seriously? You think the few times we spoke, that counted as great conversation? That was hardly 10% on my end.”

What does conversation have to do with this?

“I know, I was drunk that’s why it was interesting. I open up more when I drink.”

“Look, I would be open to friendship, but…”

“Friendship is good!”

file000564289757

“…it wouldn’t be friends with benefits. Just friends without benefits. You’ll have to change my impression of you first though.”

Because you’re pushy, arrogant and selfish.

“Don’t close the door completely.”

“Which door?”

“Like when we hang, we can make out if we’re in the mood.”

Seriously? Am I like 16 or something?

“No.”

“Don’t be so stiff.”

“I’m sorry but you want something I don’t. Maybe a few years ago, I would have been open to trying it your way, but it’s not what I want now. I want real intimacy – not a sad imitation of one.”

“Wow. Clearly we’re looking for different things. I don’t want a relationship… I think your way is sad too.”

Yeah? Trying to make me beg for your approval?

“I don’t necessarily want a serious relationship, but I want to have feelings for the person I’m with. I don’t want to waste my time with someone I don’t have any feelings for – I’m not desperate.”

IMG-20150130-WA0008“…”

“I want emotions, feelings and a connection. I don’t some random relationship that merely exists to satisfy a temporary desire. I want companionship, romance. I want someone who’ll think of me regardless of what they sexual state is – I want true intimacy…love.”

Basically I don’t want you.

“I don’t want the responsibility of a relationship.”

“I don’t want a relationship with you. I don’t feel anything towards you. Nothing.”

“Well, okay let’s do it your way, maybe you’ll change your mind later.”

Ha!

“I probably won’t.”

Back to my movie.

…………………………………

All men seem to be looking for is sex. It shouldn’t be such a surprise really, it’s something the media and our mothers have been telling us our entire lives – but it still never ceases to amaze; the lengths they go to just to get their sad desires fulfilled – to hell with the consequences and to hell how I might feel about the whole thing.

Like I said, I sabotage myself – something inside me must know that I’m not entirely ready for something real – so I attract the weeds. The weeds that dig their roots right into a fertile land and don’t let up unless you gouge them out, severing their source of power. They’ll keep coming back otherwise. Time to get my gardening shears and trowel, I’ve got some weeding to do.

IMG-20150130-WA0010

Women Poop too!

Now I begin this topic by stating that: I am a girl and a Human begine with bowel movements,and like any other human I also produces some wastes in the form of poop.Ok phew, Glad we got that out of the way; Now the reason I am stating this fact is because latley the impossible standers which somtimes reaches the point of the dehumenization of women is pissing me the fuck off!

I can see a few of our lovely male conterparts and some of our fellow women rolling their eyes thinking there goes another feminist ranting about equality and the “Stop waxing let arm pit hair grow movement”.I am sorry but No, thats not what I am talking about. I mostly encourage waxing cause after it your skin is all silky and godess like (you go girl) ,that being said it does hurt like a mother fluffer and if you dom’t want to then you are still awesome .

However;I am talking about those subtle thoughts or stereo typing of women where you are almost denied the simple Biologicle process of pooping; I swear some guys are so delusional in their perception of women that a women going to a bathroom on a date for them is a huge turn off. hell I once heard a story of a newly wed Bride who got a bad case of conctipation cause she didn’t want to go to the hotel suit bathroom in front of her husband so she wouldn’t turn him off. While I bet you he farted during their slow dance!(nothing conceals farts like an Enrique Eglcias song). It bugs me to no end that the Bride felt embarassed and self concious about this simple fact of life that is that women poop too!

Shame on you for excercising your bodies right to get rid of waste, so instead you get girls who are so afraid and self concious of others opinions that they begin to use words like “I am going to check my makeup” or “fix my hair”.
I am not saying you should flat out say: I am going to poop, but you can just say “I am going to the bathroom” thats it! No need to sugar coat anything if you think of how much women conceil their bodily functions in order not to scare off a man or uncloak his innocent eyes to the fact that we share most bodily functions (except of course the painful ones). Which brings me to my next point; How much men are grossed out about minstrel cycles or as they are well known as periods, but on the other hand they would talk and joke about wanking and morning wood like they are talking about the weather, they even sing about it!or How he did it once in an ally -No, thats not disgusting at all- (said in a sarcastic voice with half closed eyelids) or How big the douce they just dropped in the bathroom is, but God forbid he ever buys your maxi pads for you -eww coodies-
Men are perfectly fine being gross infront of us they even take pride in it.I’m not saying we should do the same but don’t be God damn ashamed of it. Yes, women are fucking majestic, but you are allowed a bad hair day or a day where you’re not feeling up to your normal sleek updo; so you just pile it up with a scrunchie and some bobby pins. You don’t have to be photo shopped 24/7. You can face the Universe without make up and you don’t have to make excuses about why you didn’t feel like getting dolled up ,you have the simple right to just not feel like it and that is perfectly fine. If you are into the whole dark eye liner mascara dramatic eye thing and one day you woke up looked at the mirror and said:”screw it, I don’t feel like doing all that” don’t go to work telling people you didn’t have time or you are tired just say “well I thought this was more Awesome!” and again, I’m not saying by getting dressed up or dolled up you are betraying your own sex.I am just saying cut yourself some slack its enough that pms-ing turned into being a drama queen or a Bitch, Lets stop denying ourselves our simple biological right; so next time you hear a chovinistic comment like “women shouldn’t…… folowed by something stupid remember you have a pair of awesome life giving ovaries and without them that stupid chivonastic prick wouldn’t be alive !