You are miserys’ mistress. Even if fortune looked your way and gave you the night of your life, you would still sneak back into miserys’ arms.
You claim you desire joy or one of her friends. You claim you yearn for peace, when in reality you allow drama to engulf you.
You are miserys’ bitch. A sly one at that, a submissive slave who may appear to obey when beckoned when in reality it is you who beckons misery.
Misery likes to think it owns you, you let it think it makes all the decisions and has all the power, that misery has a hold on you… It is misery who is your bitch, your plaything.
You throw yourself into a poisonous codependant relationship with each other. So twisted you both are, it’s hard to tell where either of you begin or end.
Misery and you may have an agreed upon open relationship, one that involves daliances with others such as pain, depression or hunger, but you always find your way back into each other’s beds. God forbid you may sleep apart.
Even if you won the lottery or found your one and true soul mate, misery will always follow, not out of choice but because you’ve chained it at the ankle.
God forbid you’re ever torn apart.
Hear that cracking,
The crumbling sound?
see those small pile of pebbles
that’s turning into a mountain?
Or The tiny crack that will soon be a canyon?
That is her falling apart.
It has been a long time coming
But she knows the end is soon.
She is keeping her distance,
Away from people
No one can be allowed to see.
For if they see her true self
When the mask finally falls
And the facade ends,
She will never be able to build herself up again.
She has been acting strong for so long,
She saw how people believed it
Till she finally believed it herself.
If that image is torn,
It will never be real again.
She will never be that ever again.
She has chased people away
Till the fall and rise are done,
Till she builds herself to who she was
With better reinforcement so it never happens again.
She can never allow her strength and confidence to waver
For the stakes get higher after every fall.
So leave her alone and let her be,
Turn a blind eye
And pretend you don’t see it
Till she makes her way back to the living again
Groggy and sluggish I wake daily
Unable to move my head.
My brain recounts the odd and hyperactive dreams,
That keep me unrested.
I can no longer muster the energy to be spry.
I sit on my bed’s edge like I did back when I was a teen,
Staring at the random grains on the varnished floor
Waiting for my brain to begin ticking.
Cogs are rusty and squeak.
My cognitive faculties deteriorating day by day,
The internal departments unable to communicate as they did,
Once upon a time.
I’ve been avoiding that addictive elixir I call coffee, for many years now
Trying desperately not to rely on its magical properties.
I yearn for the boost and clarity it provides me,
But do not miss the occasional gastric wrenching.
Oh, that Aroma.
Sleep seems to be one of my constant desires,
Yet I fight it for I have so much I wish to do.
‘Wasted Time’ I often think, though I know better.
The ‘wasted time’ still wasted on my lack of energy to do what I wish.
I find myself disconnecting during the day
Just staring off into space.
I may be mid conversation and lose my train of thought,
Sometimes losing it completely.
The whirlpool is strong,
Drowning my mind.
Do I keep swimming against the current and hope for the best?
Or should I just let myself get swept away?
Fatigue… is my shadow companion
Depression is his brother.
Darkness follows their trail,
For a mother cannot leave her children alone for too long.
Fight it all I tell myself,
But sometimes one is too empty
Too empty to wake
And too empty to even drink that aromatic roasted elixir.
I want break these walls,
The walls that surround my heart, soul, and life.
I built them to protect me,
To become my sanctuary.
But they have become my prison.
I want to break them
Live my life for the first time.
But I am terrified.
These walls are all that I know.
They are a part of me,
They are me.
I don’t know who I would be.
I want to break these wall
But the fear of the unknown is too much.
It is crippling my every move.
I want to break these walls
But I am afraid
I will just end up breaking me.
Tick tock goes the clock
Tick tock go to sleep
Tick tock goes the clock
Tick tock wake up
Tick tock goes the clock
Tick tock do your work
Tick tock don’t stop
Tick tock do speak sweet
Tick tock or not
Tick tock flies the clock
Tick tock it won’t stop
Tick tock laughs the clock
Tick tock hear it mock
The land of dreams;
Where minds become magical canvases
And thoughts are the world’s mightiest artists,
Creating peaceful worlds
Full of serenity and happiness.
Mine is a little different.
It is the void
reflecting my heart;
Empty and cold.
It is the bloody arena
Of lost dreams.
It is the endless parade
Of all my fears
Manafesting the demons of my soul.
It is where I see who I really am;
It is where denial is futile
And all there is, is brutal.
It is where silence is deafening,
And the screams are empty.
It is where I feel alone
But at home.
It is where the mask falls off,
No need to pretend,
Everyone can see the claws.
My nightmares are the only place where I am me.
They are the home where I find restless peace.
I have turned this heart cold
To an inch from its death.
Plucked away all feelings,
Chased them away
Till they disappeared without a trace.
Then I bolted that door shut,
Put a sign “No light can enter”
Happiness can never live here.
This is my palace.
And so it began,
Lit fire in the eyes to fool them.
Faked laughs to throw off suspicion.
“Hear that sound?
See that sparkle?
This heart is alive and beating ”
I have claimed this land.
It is my palace,
I have conquered all
And slain those in my way.
I have spread my demons
To vanquish doubts.
Engulfed in this darkness,
I am home.
Have you lived?
Did you cherish?
Have you hugged until your body bent and molded into your lover?
Have you relaxed into an embrace, thinking this was the safest place since your mothers womb?
Have you defused a fight with humor even though what you felt was fear?
Have you laughed when it wasn’t funny?
Have you cried in a crowd under your sunglasses?
Have you poped, hopped, and locked to your favorite tune?
Were you selfless?
Have you acted silly to cheer someone up?
Did you finally get that one day you wanted?
Have you finally put on that sexy red lipstick at the bottom of your drawer?
Have you allowed yourself to be pretty?
Did you finally get to strut?
Have you finally dropped the strong act?
Has anyone notice your despair?
Was someone finally in?
Was there anything left to salvage?
Did you help them?
Were you saved?
Did you let them?
So pure and relaxing
For a mind that won’t stop screaming.
I breathe the silence in,
Feel it cleansing my soul.
All the pain just slips away
All the misery disappears.
How can being alone feel so great?
I start to dread seeing people.
I just can’t fake it anymore.
All I want is to be with me.
I don’t have it in me to clench my face
To form a smile to please them.
How can being lonely feel so right?
The silence chases my demons away
As the thoughts finally become mine again.
My mind hasn’t been this peaceful
Since I became aware of myself.
The silence that once was my hell
Is now a gift from the heavens.
It is giving me the strength to be
And the means to survive.
Drown all the noise
Just be quiet
Let there be no sounds.
No words to be heard.
Listen to your soul
And the world will listen back
Blank is the mind that doesn’t expand
Blank is the mind that doesn’t see
Blank is the mind that doesn’t tick
Blank is the mind that doesn’t think.
Cold is the heart that doesn’t cry
Cold is the heart that doesn’t love
Cold the heart that doesn’t mourn
Cold the heart that doesn’t feel.
Poor is the man who doesn’t live
Dead is the man who doesn’t experience
Sad is the man who’s ignorant
Useless is the man who doesn’t have hope.