All posts by thefiercekoala

Simple Desires chapter 6

You know that moment before the impact, that split second between oblivion and the shattering truth, like that instant in some hospital corridor when the doctor is heading down to tell the anxiously waiting family that piece of news that will slowly unravel the fabric of their existence, these tightly woven memories and constants that will soon change after the doctor pulls at the binding threads.

I’ve always been intrigued and drawn to examine such moments or what I call the ‘’the seconds before the impact”

To this day I still remember my first “seconds before the impact “and unwittingly I thought it would be my last.

It was 2 a.m and Chris hadn’t returned from god knows where , I had completed the evening with my mum so she wouldn’t get too worried and had found out that Chris had rushed out claiming he had an urgent work matter to deal with.

Had he noticed me?

Did he hear me as I came down the stairs?

I kept thinking about that awful scratching sound and the blood…….

what was bone chilling is that Chris didn’t seem to care about the mess,  and part of me felt he sought relief in that mess he reveled in the savagery he was inflicting on his skin

Was his other arm like that?

I sat on my bed unable to sleep until I knew he was home safe, I’d tried calling him but his cell was closed.

At 3 am I heard stumbling behind the wall adjacent to mine, I quickly headed out to the hall unlocking Chris’s door –we had each other’s keys in case of emergency- as I rushed through his disheveled apartment I didn’t have a moment to notice the waning signs.

Chris was never messy, in fact he was agonizingly immaculate bordering on OCD

This wasn’t normal

Something was disturbingly wrong

I headed quietly towards his bedroom bracing myself of what I might see…

“Chris”

He was balled up in the corner next to his dresser, his head was bowed and I could see he was shaking

“Chris” I called again not knowing what to do or how to begin to gather those shattered pieces bundled together in the corner

“Chris, sweetie can you hear me?”

I approached him silently afraid to make a sudden move, he looked like a wounded animal, and then I heard that blood freezing scratching sound again.

“Oh god “I covered my mouth, tears welling in my eyes as he continued to scratch the already raw flesh of his forearm completely oblivious to my body crouching in front of him.

His sleeves were no longer  clean , but instead stained with his own blood , and I got a feeling that Chris had two self-harming states , the controlled one he had at my mother’s house and this frantic unstable one he was having here in the comfort of his own apartment

I called his name again but he didn’t answer. I forced his chin up to see his face but he was so stiff and wooden

I tried again trying to seek comfort in his warm green eyes, but they were closed in a grimace, brows knitted and his mouth was slightly opened his breathing shallow.

I could smell the alcohol in his breath.

Chris never drinks.

I buried my face near his neck whispering comforting words coaxing him out of whatever hell he’s been trapped in.

“Chris sweetie please , you’re hurting yourself , please Chris don’t do this honey , Chris listen to my voice” I kept pleading with him through my tears ,my body was so pressed to him that we might as well been one .

I slowly reached my hand to his frantic one, touching his bloody fingers “Chris you’re breaking my heart Chris please, I’m so sorry I didn’t know, please forgive me”

His sense of urgency slowed down and I took the opportunity to grab at his hands holding them tightly, he tried to struggle resisting my touch but I was so determined to snap him out of it.

I pressed my face harder to his neck “it’s ok, you’re ok Chris, I got you, its ok I’m here I got you, you can stop now “ I kept chanting the words over and over until I felt him relax into me , I hadn’t noticed then of course but later I realized that it was the first time Chris had let me be that near to him or touch him

When I felt him completely relax, his muscles unwinding. I slowly took him by the hand urging him up, thankfully he complied.

I led him to his en suit bathroom and sat him at the edge of the tub, I grabbed the nearest towel and soaked it with water .all the time I made sure I was still holding his hand, I was so terrified to leave him alone for a minute fearing he would return to his self-harm.

I quickly reached for the antiseptic he had in his mirror cabinet, unsurprisingly I found a soothing balm that was also anti scarring.

I cleaned his wound , pressing gently at the raw skin , all that time Chris’s eyes were almost closed as if he was barely conscious to what was happening , I feared the antiseptic would sting but Chris hadn’t even flinched as if he was completely numb,. I applied the soothing balm and slowly wrapped his abused arm in gauze and cleaned the mess we made

My hands hesitated when it came to what I wanted to do next. I slowly reached his shirt unbuttoning it but Chris’s eyes suddenly shot wide in panic

What are you doing? His voice was terrified and shaky, his eyes glazed and unseeing

“Chris it’s ok sweetie, I’m just going to take off your shirt and get you a clean one “I said soothingly

Chris did not seem to comprehend my words his eyes were still wide, cold sweat erupted on his forehead

“Please don’t do this, please I won’t do anything please I’ll sit quietly I won’t fidget “Chris’s voice pleaded with me, his eyes filled with agony

My heart sank and shattered and bled

I realized Chris didn’t know it was me ……..Chris saw someone else in my place someone who had hurt him.

Someone who the mere action of moving caused him to terrify Chris to that extent.

“Chris baby it me, Ceels “I sobbed out

“Chris, its Cecilia you didn’t do anything wrong honey I just want you in a clean shirt “I ran my hands through his soft hair.

His mesmerizing green eyes focused on my face and a bewildered look replaced the terrifying one

“Ceels?”

“Yes it’s me Chris, I’m just going to remove this shirt ok “I kept my eye contact, as I slowly unbuttoned his bloody dress shirt.

Chris’s eyes stayed on me drinking me in as if he thought I wasn’t real, I slowly finished my task and tried to push the sleeves off his shoulders, but he stiffened

“Chris I’m just going to slip it off gently” I said soothingly, afraid he was confused again

But he wasn’t, I could see that at this moment he knew who I was but he was still afraid

I gently slid the sleeves off, shushing him and telling him he’s going to be fine, when my hands pushed at the sleeves removing them from his arms I gasped …….

I was wrong …..The moment I found him in his bedroom wasn’t my moment of impact…

This was.

 

If I knew

If I knew where I’m going, I would take what I need and what I’ve always wanted but never had the courage to claim.

If I knew where I’m going, I would spit all those comebacks and justifications that I chose then never to reveal for the sake of propriety or what I thought  was right.

If I knew where I’m going, I would pack lightly, practically, and forsake what was once dragging me behind.

If I knew where I’m going, I would slip out quietly, for once giving up the desire for attention that I desperately sought before.

If I knew where I’m going, I would only look back once ..as tribute for a life once lived.

If I knew where I’m going, I would bottle their laughter, puns and silly jokes

I would box all their unexpected hugs, their knowing nudges, and comfort touches.

If I knew where I’m going I would leave at once, and Leave the mess to be dealt with by someone else.

If I knew where I’m going, I would walk surely, steadily and calmly knowing I no longer, need my thoughts filtered, my expression hidden nor do I need to change the subject anymore,

I would finally stop deflecting.

If I was just sure of where I’m going I would finally be OK

If only I knew where I’m going.

Simple Desires Chapter 5

warning this chapter containes self harm and may cause triggers,if you are uncomfortable with the content please do not read.
“Hi Cecilia how are? “My mum greeted sweetly
“Hi mum “something was up, I could feel it
“So how is work? “The sweet tone continued
“Uhh good.”
“Have you met someone?”
Theeere it is
“No, mum still a spinster”
“ohh Cecelia I wish you would stop joking about this”
“Its fine mum I don’t mind my humor “
“You know that smart mouth of yours won’t get you a husband “my mum said making me feel we were in the 50’s
“Mum did you want anything, are you ok?”i asked cautiously
“Yes dear I’m fine, but I would really like it if you could join me for dinner “she said seriously
“But I was just there yesterday, is something wrong mum? Is…Is someone dying?
“No, Cecile you morbid goose no one is dying” my mum answered now annoyed
“I want you to meet someone “she returned back to her sweet voice
“Mum no…just no, your last fix up was a disaster!” I said exasperated
“Honestly Philips was completely fine” she huffed
“Mum he smelled his hands after scratching himself, who the hell does that!”
“Water under the bridge dear” my mum said dismissively “I want you to dress up cause I invited Tom for dinner he’s decent and he has his own hardware store in town , I have a feeling you will hit it off”
“With Tom the handy man “I said mockingly
“You know Cecilia I really don’t appreciate this tone and I’m quite upset that you take my effort for granted when all I’m doing is helping you have your happy ending!”
Aaaand cue the guilt trip
When is the dinner mum?
“Tonight at 8, you can even bring Chris, I know how much he helps you relax and it’s been a long time since he’s been over”
“Mum he was there last month “I deadpanned
“I know, hence long time”
“Mum are you also setting Chris up?” I asked mortified by the idea, I’ve seen it before it doesn’t end well “Cause I can tell you that is doomed to fail “
And apparently he’s already taken I thought bitterly
Stop it Cecilia! You had a fight, he has a secret someone and you should accept it and move on
“No, I know he has a special taste”
“Mum for the hundredth time, Chris is not gay”
“I know, he didn’t register on my gaydar “
“Mum!”
“Anyway invite him over with you and don’t be late “
And then she hung up
Ohh for the love of Google!
I headed back home around 5:30 after an exhausting day, I took a shower followed by a power nap, and started to get ready at 7:30
I wore that flowy forest green dress I adored, put on some light makeup that emphasized my light hazel eyes and headed out.
As I closed my door I slipped Chris a piece of paper under his door telling him about the invitation
I know I’m being childish by not texting him , and there’s a big chance he won’t see it or make it on time ,but I was so hurt by his outburst I didn’t care .
I don’t understand how he could be so closed off after years and years of friendship, I was his best friend for god’s sake!
I arrived 15 minutes early which meant I had to endure a reprimand/advice from mum about how I spend my money, take care of my skin and how I’m running out of baby popping time.
At 8 sharp the bell rang and surprisingly it was Chris, my mum had opened the door greeting Chris warmly without hugging him (she had learned that the hard way), I stayed in the kitchen pretending to prepare the food being the coward that I am I didn’t feel up to another yelling match, but I could easily hear my mum’s voice
“Oh Chris you look exhausted”
“Yeah, had a big case I’ve been working on “Chris answered quietly
“Oh and have you won?”
“Yes, actually the closing argument was today he answered his voice sounding off to me
My mum didn’t notice
“That’s wonderful dear, I hear you’re quiet the successful lawyer “
“Not particularly “Chris said in a miserable voice
Again my mum hadn’t noticed
What was going on, I thought he won why did he sound defeated?
“You’re such a humble and kind man Chris, it’s a shame you’re still single”
What was mum doing?
“I mean, any girl would love to have you as her husband “
Mum don’t go there
“I don’t think it’s in the cards for me Mrs. M” he answered sadly
“Oh don’t be silly dear, I’m sure the right girl is just waiting under your nose”
Oh…my…god
Shit shit shit
It was a setup, there was no Tom!
I had to intervene before my mum’s anvil sized hints would get blunter
I finally had the courage to step out
“Hi Chris “I greeted him as if we haven’t had the mother of all fights this morning
“There’s my girl, look at her Chris, isn’t she just lovely “my mum cooed sweetly
Chris had his piercing eyes on me and I rushed to interrupt whatever he was going to say, because honestly I wasn’t sure if his response would make me happy or hurt.
“Mum I thought Tom the handy man was coming “
“Oh bad news dear, he just texted saying he couldn’t make it “
Lies all lies
“That’s too bad” I said faking my disappointment
Chris’ eyes shot up at me
“Oh Chris, what will I ever do with Cecilia, she doesn’t seem to want to meet someone”mum said disapprovingly
“Hello I’m right here”
“Maybe she needs to work on her people skills “Chris offered
What the flying axe of Thor!
”My people skills are just fine Chris “I looked him straight in the eye
“Maybe more of your sense of boundaries then “he said coldly
“Well if I wasn’t dealing with a stubborn brick wall maybe I would back off “I raised my voice
“Well maybe that brick wall is comfortable being what it is, and doesn’t need you picking at it! “He raised back
“Ha! Oh I assure you that brick wall can shove as much bricks up it’s…”
“Cecilia!” my mum interrupted looking miffed
´I’ll go prepare the salad “I said before storming out
The dinner was as awkward as it could get, after we finished Chris excused himself to the bathroom
After 10 minutes I started to worry, so I went to find him in our guest bathroom, but it was empty
I climbed the stairs to look in my bedroom bathroom when I heard scratching
The door was slightly opened due to a problem with the latch, and apparently Chris hadn’t noticed
I slowly edge near the bathroom and peer through the crack.
And my heart broke…
I saw Chris leaning on the wall his back sweating through his shirt, the soft black hair at the back of his neck also damp.
He’s breathing irregularly like the air around him is toxic
His sleeves are rolled up
I can see the bruise clear as day, but what chills me to my bone is what I see him doing
He’s scratching himself, hungrily like there’s something eating at him from inside, his arm is starting to bleed but he doesn’t stop
He continues panting and scratching and it’s getting so bloody that it’s just awful to look at what he’s doing. His nails are bloody as well as his palms, but his sleeves remain rolled up neatly and clean
He knows what he’s doing
And then he slows down, and gradually his breath starts to even out.
I edge back as quietly as possible and climb down the stairs in a daze
Chris is hurting himself
Chris has done this before
How could I have not noticed?
I head out to backyard because I felt I would burst out and howl from the scene I just witnessed.
I don’t know how long I remained motionless tears threatening to burst at any moment
But I snapped back at the sound of a car driving out of our drive way
I don’t have to guess, I know its Chris.

Simple Desires Chapter 4

Thump….thump…bang
Cecilia woke up to the rhythmic noise…what the hell?
She sat up from her bed slowly spied at her clock through sleepy eyes, it was 3:00 am.
Where was that noise coming from?
It took her a while to register that it was coming from chris’ side, what in god’s name was he doing in this hour? Didn’t he have his closing argument tomorrow on that big case he was working on?
She slowly stood up and tilted her head near the wall above her bed and stuck her ear to the wall to make sure it was from Chris ‘side.
Ok… Ok don’t judge she was just curious because this was weird, and Chris was such private person.
Then she heard what made her face drain of color
A very soft moan followed by a thump.
She pushed off the wall her face coloring, was Chris…, no he never had a girlfriend or even a girl over at his apartment , well except for her .
She didn’t know why, but she suddenly didn’t feel like sleeping, she miserably grabbed her pillow and the book she was reading from the night stand and headed out for the living room sofa. she didn’t know why she felt restless and honestly a little bit hurt that Chris would trust someone to be with him intimately when she barley felt allowed to touch him freely ,sure they hugged and touched but it was always a calculated move from Chris or her and never spontaneous.
She spread on the sofa trying to figure out why she was so affected by the sounds she heard, Chris was a grown man ,she didn’t have any control over him ,and he was quite handsome to be honest ,his build had changed over the years from tall and gangly to broad and solid and the hours he spent at the gym couldn’t hurt too .
She discovered that chris was an exercise freak, If he wasn’t running he was boxing if he didn’t have time for the gym then he would spend hours on his tread mill at home, she once tried going jogging with him and he freakin lapped her and he did it so graciously with a soft smile on his face , she had expected his green eyes to dance with mirth but he didn’t, he kept encouraging her to join him for more runs .
She huffed annoyingly as she adjusted the pillow under her head, so much for Mr. Celibate, it looks like he didn’t have any problems in THAT area.
“I don’t do relationships Ceels” she remembered her last argument with him when she cornered him about relationships a couple of days ago, well apparently a relationship is being done as we speak!
Stupid Cecelia, you though he was some kind of wounded soul that needed healing, that he had something against touching and intimacy because of a childhood trauma!
She opened her book and tried to bury her feelings and thoughts until she drifted off to sleep but unfortunately she managed with little success.

Shit…shit I’m late!
Cecelia rushed to the elevator stuffing a pastry in her mouth pressing the call button several times, she doesn’t know why abusing the call button will somehow achieve anything but it’s a nervous tick and she was already having a lousy morning that had followed a sleepless night filled with dreams about obscene moans and bed thumping and her yelling at whomever was making the noise to shut up cause some people were single and liked their quiet and moan free life thank you very much!
“Morning Ceels” Chris greeted standing next to her
What the shit was he doing here? He always heads out to work an hour before her
Ceels are you ok? “Chris asked giving her a concerned look.
Oh that’s awesome Cecelia stand there making reaction to your inner monologue like a damn idiot!
“I’m fine, just didn’t sleep well last night”
“Yeah me too, I’m so exhausted “Chris responded rubbing his eyes
Is he fucking kidding me!
“I bet you were “I mumbled
“Excuse me? “ Chris looked confused
“Nothing “I said in a clipped tone
“Ceels are you. I don’t know angry with me? “Chris asked unsure
“Yes …no …ahh “I ran my hands through my long chocolate brown hair in frustration
“I mean you’re an adult, you can do what you want and if you want to spend the night with some leggy model from your posh firm its totally fine, just keep it down next time cause if you haven’t noticed we share a bedroom wall ,so what happened yesterday was not cool “I rushed in one breath
“I didn’t have anyone over yesterday? “Chris answered puzzled
“Chris I heard banging and moaning yesterday at three in the morning, you weren’t hanging pictures that’s for sure “I said sarcastically.
Does he think I’m that stupid? Come on, is he really going to deny it?
I looked up at him and was shocked to see his face drain from color , looking at him I noticed that he did look tired ,and the dark circles around is eyes was a clear indication.
He fell silent maybe embarrassed to be caught after lying.
The elevator dinged and we entered silently, a thick and somewhat awkward silence falling on us.
As we stood by each other, I stole a look at him and saw him adjust his work bag on his shoulders?
Then I noticed it
Under the cuffs of his light blue dress shirt there were deep red bruises slightly turning to purple at the ends.
Chris what’s wrong with your hand? The question slipped before I could help it.
He immediately pulled his cuff and slid his hand in his pocket, a stone wall descending on his handsome tired face
“Chris were you tied?” I asked shocked while invading his space.
“Ceels drop it “he answered coldly.
“Are you into these things?” I continued to question ignoring his warning.
“The BDSM stuff “I asked my face turning beat red
I put my hand on his arm trying to angle him to look at his other wrest.
“Ceels would you stop touching me, I don’t like it “Chris snapped
“I didn’t see you having a problem with that yesterday? “I snapped back after he shoved his hand behind his back.
He looked angry now.
“You know what Ceels it’s none of your business! if I had someone or not, stop meddling and fixing and prying ,if I want to tell you something I will, if not then stay the hell out of it! “ and then the treacherous elevator door opened and he rushed out leaving me quiet shocked from his outburst .
Chris had never shouted at me this way
I felt my throat close as I headed out ,making sure I slowed down so I could miss him , I don’t get it, something is missing ,did he have someone over or not ? And if he didn’t who gave him those marks?
Then a body shivering thought crossed my mind.
Did he do it to himself?
I’ve studied the psychology behind self-harm and how it can sometimes release stress but is that what it was? But from what I’ve read it mostly involves cutting, the person doing it waiting for release in the form of blood easing out of him .but that wasn’t the case, Chris had bruises.

what the hell was going on?

Have you?

Have you lived?

Did you cherish?

Have you hugged until your body bent and molded into your lover?

Have you relaxed into an embrace, thinking this was the safest place since your mothers womb?

Have you defused a fight with humor even though what you felt was fear?

Have you laughed when it wasn’t funny?

Have you cried in a crowd under your sunglasses?

Have you poped, hopped, and locked to your favorite tune?

Were you selfless?

Have you acted silly to cheer someone up?

Did you finally get that one day you wanted?

Have you finally put on that sexy red lipstick at the bottom of your drawer?

Have you allowed yourself to be pretty?

Did you finally get to strut?

Have you finally dropped the strong act?

Has anyone notice your despair?

Was someone finally in?

Was there anything left to salvage?

Did you help them?

Were you saved?

Did you let them?

simple desires chapter 3

“hey Chris ”

“hey Ceels why are you calling  so early, is the wedding over?” Chris asked me in a tired voice

“Mm..m no, I escaped , just didn’t like the music ” I said trying to sound nonchalant and failing , I know Chris could read me like a book .

“Did any of those skinny mean girls as you like to call them at your sister’s wedding give you a hard time?

I didn’t answer

“Ceels come over ,we’ll watch a stupid show , eat some candy and you can tell me all about it ”

damn him and his perception into my soul

“Chris you can say bitches ,you’re a grown man ” I teased

“I know ,I just don’t like too”

“ooh look at you Mr. raised properly ” I said smiling

…..silence.

the same old iron gate of silence I ‘ve grown familiar too , I mention something about his childhood and he is silent as the dead

“Chris are you still there?”

“yes ..so are you coming over? ” Chris said quietly the smile from before absent from his voice.

“yeah sure,  I already spend way too much time at your apartment , you think I should give up my apartment next to yours “I said jokingly trying to lighten his mood from before

“are you kidding I practically live in your apartment ” Chris says laughing

“maybe we should tear down the connecting wall in our bedrooms and have a big fat giant loft “he mocks

“Ooohoo can we do that Chris pleeeeease ” I was whining like a child , I would almost do anything to make Chris laugh even suggesting being roommates  which I know  is a no way in hell situation for Chris.

when he first suggested I rent the apartment next to him I was shocked , I thought he was joking , I knew Chris was super private when it came to sharing living space , he always had his own space ever since I could remember , but he had explained that I was his best friend and that I was already looking for a place , and let me tell you I LOVED it, it was well-lit and had a lovely view of the city .

I had come here after I was offered a job in one of the psychiatric hospitals and it was my dream job ,Chris had done well for himself too , working as a lawyer in one of the top firms , all in all we had done well for ourselves and over the years Chris has become my closest friend and confident, I’d like to say that I was his but it wasn’t the same , Chris knew everything about me  and I mean everything even when I got my periods , I was the queen of over sharing and he was the complete opposite .

I knew I was special to him because he only offered me the apartment next door, although I knew john had been looking as well , but still he never revealed anything just some scraps about his young life, but I didn’t give up sometime I would say something that would trigger a stoic silent reaction from him, and sometimes he would deflect the hell out of a conversation

“Ceels where are you now ?” Chris’ question interrupted my thoughts.

“I’m coming up right now ” I answered distractedly.

“ok , see you”and he hung up.

seconds and he was opening his apartment door with a big smile on his face

“hey grumpy ” he greeted

“hey obnoxious” I returned

I plopped my self on one of his beige baby butt soft sofas as I like to tell him cause they are just ridiculously soft and fluffy .

“So you look …uh  I mean the dress is..”chris stammered trying bless his soul to identify the monstrosity I was wearing.

“like a giant cupcake ate a strawberry jam doughnut ” I finished

he threw his head back in a chuckle

ha Cecilia -1 broody-ness -0

he headed to his kitchen to make coffee still laughing

after a bit he handed me a mug of excellently brewed coffee , he even chose my favourite mug ..I mean his…. whatever , I inhaled the coffee and just closed my eyes savouring the moment, when I opened my eyes I found his green eyes looking at me with a soft smile on his face .

I felt my cheeks heat -damn it Cecilia pull it together , it’s just Chris sometimes gave me the mother of all intense looks and I didn’t know what to do with it , because that was it! there was no other indication that he thought of me that way , he even set me up with some of his lawyer friends but still when he gave me that look I couldn’t stop the heat from invading my face.

“so what happened?”he broke the silence

I proceeded to tell him about my stupid sister and her bitchy friends and my mum hounding me about getting married and my biological deadline and all those colorful jabs only moms and relatives know how to say.

after I finish I huff out an annoyed breathe “it’s just I don’t know how to please them Chris , and I can’t keep up with their deadlines for boyfriends , for husbands , for careers , for kids .

I fall silent feeling the water works begin to form and my lips trembling

“hey Ceels ,hey… look  at me “Chris says softly taking my hand.

“your mom is just worried and meddling , you know her , as for your sister , she’s just jealous cause you are friendly and kind and funny and people just love you instantly and she’s the opposite of that ”

I smile at his words and sincere eyes “thanks Chris you are the king of pep talks ”

“I know that’s why I’m an awesome lawyer” he says smugly

“hey Chris texas called and they say your ego is blocking the sun ” I mocked

he laughed and took our mugs to the sink to wash , I swear Chris’ OCD is just crazy , his apartment is always immaculate with all its whites and beige it looks out of a catalogue ,nothing is out-of-place.

“so why didn’t you hang out with the guys they said they were going to joes?”

“I’m still working on Robinson’s case and I needed to finish,  the closing session is in 3 days”

“you’ll be awesome and completely annihilate that human trafficking dick” I said confidently.

”I hope so Ceels I’m so close , I already have him cornered ” Chris said biting his lip

“you will and then we will celebrate and be awesome together ”

“besides john keeps setting me up on blind dates” he said annoyed

“ooh ” I pretended to find the cream carpet interesting.

“it’s getting on my nerves honestly I feel ambushed “Chris says running his hands through his soft hair

“maybe you’ll like one of them ?”

“don’t be ridiculous Ceels ,you know me I don’t do that ” he says firmly

“why not ?” I push

“because …it’s not for me …and I don’t want to , besides I’m too busy”

ah yes, same old excuses .

“you don’t seem busy now listening to my problems or the other gazillion times I came to you to rant ”

“it’s different we’re best friends “he answered through his teeth

“well a relationship is like that but you get to be intimate with this person too” I continued to push knowing I was getting to him and crossing his invisible lines .

I was now standing in front of him ,and I could feel the shudder run through his body from my words

“stop it Ceels “he said warningly looking me straight in the eye

“why ?

“Ceels”

“Why is it not for you , you hug me , you hold my hands sometimes ,why can’t you have that with someone you’re in love with ” I countered stubbornly

“It’s not the same “now he’s looking anywhere but at me

“why? “I sound like a broken record

“why don’t you find someone ? “he shoots defensively

I stare back, seeing the panic in his eyes , he’s deflecting as usual , I’ve learned all of Chris’ tricks by now, this attack doesn’t phase me

“well ,cause I haven’t found my person yet”

-yes you have Cecilia (shut  up brain )

he turns his back to me pretending to wipe the clinically clean counter top and I can feel how tense his shoulders are , I know this reaction he’s giving me the do not approach signals.

so naturally I do the opposite

I put my  hands on his shoulders and he flinches a whole foot away from me his eyes darting around for an exit.

my heart twists ,its time to back off.

“hey Chris it’s ok , I was just upset from my sisters and you’re stressed ,I’m sorry ok  calm down “I said soothingly giving him an out

he nods silently avoiding my eyes but I can still see how tense he is

“umm I have to finish my closing argument , so ..” he says quietly

“it’s ok I’m beat , I need to change this awful dress and take a long bubble bath “I said dismissively backing away from him ,gathering my shoes and pouffy clutch – stupid sister-  and heading for the door

“Ceels ” he calls ,and I can hear the desperation in his voice

“yeah Chris ” I look from the door

um… tomorrow i’ll bring you cupcakes from the coffee shop you love near my work ” he says

and then silence with exchanged looks.

both of us burst laughing until I’m supporting my body by his front door

“I’m gonna get you for this Chris , one day you will look like shit and I will have my sweet revenge”

“don’t think so muffin ” he answers smugly

“shut it grumpy” I said heading to my door

” but I expect cupcakes tomorrow non the less”I shouted over my shoulders

he’s standing at his door smiling while looking at me waiting for me to get in ,and its like he’s a different person from before .

I smile back and close the door .

my smile falls once I’m inside , I prepare my bath silently and once Im in my tub , I finally allow my tears to flow

this is not the first time nor will it be the last time I tried with Chris and failed to reach through ,and it’s not the first time I’m crying over him either .

Deadline

the-melting-watch

Deadline to succeed

Deadline to get there

Deadline to make it

Deadline to break down

Deadline to love

Deadline to live

Deadline to breath

Deadline to let go

Deadline to laugh

Deadline to cry

Deadline to try in order to be let down

Deadline to wake up

Deadline to rest

Make up your mind

Quickly now there’s not time

We have to meet the deadline

Briskly walk ,talk, hug and kiss

Deadline to think

Could I be saved

Untamed, let loose

Chase and fumble

Carefree with no deadlins to chain me

As I write, I note

There goes another deadline I meet

Potential encounters

I was so engrossed in my book, that I didn’t notice that my laughs turned from muffled to full blown chuckles.

The book was a delight like a well roasted coffee mug in the early morning, or an exquisite piece of dark chocolate,I loved and enjoyed it too much that I didn’t want it to end I kept savouring every line, rereading the lines, as I paused to catch my breath at a particularly breathtaking part, I looked up to find a pair of intense honey brown eyes looking at my direction, ‘I must have looked ridiculous’ I thought laughing out loud in the quiet hush of the early morning at my favourite cafe, but the eyes weren’t judgemental they were soft and understanding, ‘A fellow book-worm ‘ I thought .

I nodded returning the soft smile directed at me ,and went back to my book sensing those honey eyes returning to the laptop in front of them as well ,we returned to our tasks both of us taking comfort in our silent companionship ,smiling at an inside joke we never revealed.

I am not happy,

I am ingulfed , and trapped.

Dark grey slime sticks to me.

Chin barely surfacing.

I inhale gulps of lime green smoke.

That will never satisfy.

They are walking around.

Indifferent, ignorant, apathetic.

My lungs don’t call for help .

Stupid pride and ego have chained and bound them.

I have only but short time to glance at their indifference, willing them to look.

Call it a fools hope, but I will take what I can get,

Or face the numbness.

Ramadan in my eyes

As a muslim the month of Ramadan which is in our lunar Arabian Calender holds a special place in the heart of all muslims , now for those who are not familiar with it,  it’s a month which starts with the viewing of the moon in order to determine the end of the month of Shaaban and the start of Ramadan , in spite that now science has made it pretty easy to calculate moon cycles and although we do actually have the start date of Ramadan on our calendars , yet people still follow the tradition .moon1_thumb

In my country the viewing is usually done by the astronomy institute followed after with a celebration and announcement of the beginning of Ramadan , people actually wait until its broadcasted to start calling their relatives and friends to congratulate them by saying “have a generous ramadan”or -ramadan Kareem in arabic and thus social media bursts with well wishes and tags into numerous pictures of lanterns and islamic decorations .

Non muslims sometimes ask me how do you do it? how do you not eat or drink from dawn till sunset? and I always tell them it’s a joy to do so, don’t get  me wrong it’s pretty exhausting especially the first couple of days but then you get used to it , it’s a joy like I said earlier cause of the sense of achievement you get with the first sip of water you drink to break you fasting or the first date you eat whether it’s handed to you by a family member or people in the street if you happen to be there .

Aside from the significance of the month in my religion , I love how it’s a chance to truly examine your heart and to question your place in life , although you can do this any time , for me Ramadan provides me with the tranquility and relaxation to do so , it also enhances self discipline ,the very nature of fasting is a very sincere practise because it shows your commitment , after all you can eat or drink in the confines of your home and nobody would know and yet people don’t do it .

what I love the most about this month are the traditions that come with the holiday , lanterns light the balconies along with bee lights and like any holiday you have the overzealous decorators that make you feel that their house has turned into a big ball of fire , parents rush to toy stores to buy themed lanterns that usually have a beloved cartoon character on it for their kids ,spices and nuts are bought buy the kilo , essential groceries are arranged and boxed so people can  buy them and give them away to people in need as a way of helping them through the month , teens and kids volunteers wait in front of mosques with foam plates so if anyone has leftover food from the numerous family gatherings that happen this month  can donate it to whomever needs it.Ramadan-Fanoos-2

I love how if you happen to be in the streets by sunset you’ll find families in their cars distributing meals to taxi drivers ,doorman and traffic police .eventsstyle.com_44002

I love the songs that I’ve been hearing since I was a child and that play non stop in supermarkets a couple of days before Ramadan  ,I love how you can see gradually the balconies lighting up after sunset as people shuffle to turn them on everyday . I love how I can hear the prayers from my house from a nearby mosque and can see the minaret that’s decorated in the distance , it gives me peace and fills me with joy to witness all this ,so whether you are a believer or not I hope you have a holiday or tradition that fills your heart with the warm and fuzzies like Ramadan does for me.cvbn