simple desires chapter 3

“hey Chris ”

“hey Ceels why are you calling  so early, is the wedding over?” Chris asked me in a tired voice

“Mm..m no, I escaped , just didn’t like the music ” I said trying to sound nonchalant and failing , I know Chris could read me like a book .

“Did any of those skinny mean girls as you like to call them at your sister’s wedding give you a hard time?

I didn’t answer

“Ceels come over ,we’ll watch a stupid show , eat some candy and you can tell me all about it ”

damn him and his perception into my soul

“Chris you can say bitches ,you’re a grown man ” I teased

“I know ,I just don’t like too”

“ooh look at you Mr. raised properly ” I said smiling

…..silence.

the same old iron gate of silence I ‘ve grown familiar too , I mention something about his childhood and he is silent as the dead

“Chris are you still there?”

“yes ..so are you coming over? ” Chris said quietly the smile from before absent from his voice.

“yeah sure,  I already spend way too much time at your apartment , you think I should give up my apartment next to yours “I said jokingly trying to lighten his mood from before

“are you kidding I practically live in your apartment ” Chris says laughing

“maybe we should tear down the connecting wall in our bedrooms and have a big fat giant loft “he mocks

“Ooohoo can we do that Chris pleeeeease ” I was whining like a child , I would almost do anything to make Chris laugh even suggesting being roommates  which I know  is a no way in hell situation for Chris.

when he first suggested I rent the apartment next to him I was shocked , I thought he was joking , I knew Chris was super private when it came to sharing living space , he always had his own space ever since I could remember , but he had explained that I was his best friend and that I was already looking for a place , and let me tell you I LOVED it, it was well-lit and had a lovely view of the city .

I had come here after I was offered a job in one of the psychiatric hospitals and it was my dream job ,Chris had done well for himself too , working as a lawyer in one of the top firms , all in all we had done well for ourselves and over the years Chris has become my closest friend and confident, I’d like to say that I was his but it wasn’t the same , Chris knew everything about me  and I mean everything even when I got my periods , I was the queen of over sharing and he was the complete opposite .

I knew I was special to him because he only offered me the apartment next door, although I knew john had been looking as well , but still he never revealed anything just some scraps about his young life, but I didn’t give up sometime I would say something that would trigger a stoic silent reaction from him, and sometimes he would deflect the hell out of a conversation

“Ceels where are you now ?” Chris’ question interrupted my thoughts.

“I’m coming up right now ” I answered distractedly.

“ok , see you”and he hung up.

seconds and he was opening his apartment door with a big smile on his face

“hey grumpy ” he greeted

“hey obnoxious” I returned

I plopped my self on one of his beige baby butt soft sofas as I like to tell him cause they are just ridiculously soft and fluffy .

“So you look …uh  I mean the dress is..”chris stammered trying bless his soul to identify the monstrosity I was wearing.

“like a giant cupcake ate a strawberry jam doughnut ” I finished

he threw his head back in a chuckle

ha Cecilia -1 broody-ness -0

he headed to his kitchen to make coffee still laughing

after a bit he handed me a mug of excellently brewed coffee , he even chose my favourite mug ..I mean his…. whatever , I inhaled the coffee and just closed my eyes savouring the moment, when I opened my eyes I found his green eyes looking at me with a soft smile on his face .

I felt my cheeks heat -damn it Cecilia pull it together , it’s just Chris sometimes gave me the mother of all intense looks and I didn’t know what to do with it , because that was it! there was no other indication that he thought of me that way , he even set me up with some of his lawyer friends but still when he gave me that look I couldn’t stop the heat from invading my face.

“so what happened?”he broke the silence

I proceeded to tell him about my stupid sister and her bitchy friends and my mum hounding me about getting married and my biological deadline and all those colorful jabs only moms and relatives know how to say.

after I finish I huff out an annoyed breathe “it’s just I don’t know how to please them Chris , and I can’t keep up with their deadlines for boyfriends , for husbands , for careers , for kids .

I fall silent feeling the water works begin to form and my lips trembling

“hey Ceels ,hey… look  at me “Chris says softly taking my hand.

“your mom is just worried and meddling , you know her , as for your sister , she’s just jealous cause you are friendly and kind and funny and people just love you instantly and she’s the opposite of that ”

I smile at his words and sincere eyes “thanks Chris you are the king of pep talks ”

“I know that’s why I’m an awesome lawyer” he says smugly

“hey Chris texas called and they say your ego is blocking the sun ” I mocked

he laughed and took our mugs to the sink to wash , I swear Chris’ OCD is just crazy , his apartment is always immaculate with all its whites and beige it looks out of a catalogue ,nothing is out-of-place.

“so why didn’t you hang out with the guys they said they were going to joes?”

“I’m still working on Robinson’s case and I needed to finish,  the closing session is in 3 days”

“you’ll be awesome and completely annihilate that human trafficking dick” I said confidently.

”I hope so Ceels I’m so close , I already have him cornered ” Chris said biting his lip

“you will and then we will celebrate and be awesome together ”

“besides john keeps setting me up on blind dates” he said annoyed

“ooh ” I pretended to find the cream carpet interesting.

“it’s getting on my nerves honestly I feel ambushed “Chris says running his hands through his soft hair

“maybe you’ll like one of them ?”

“don’t be ridiculous Ceels ,you know me I don’t do that ” he says firmly

“why not ?” I push

“because …it’s not for me …and I don’t want to , besides I’m too busy”

ah yes, same old excuses .

“you don’t seem busy now listening to my problems or the other gazillion times I came to you to rant ”

“it’s different we’re best friends “he answered through his teeth

“well a relationship is like that but you get to be intimate with this person too” I continued to push knowing I was getting to him and crossing his invisible lines .

I was now standing in front of him ,and I could feel the shudder run through his body from my words

“stop it Ceels “he said warningly looking me straight in the eye

“why ?

“Ceels”

“Why is it not for you , you hug me , you hold my hands sometimes ,why can’t you have that with someone you’re in love with ” I countered stubbornly

“It’s not the same “now he’s looking anywhere but at me

“why? “I sound like a broken record

“why don’t you find someone ? “he shoots defensively

I stare back, seeing the panic in his eyes , he’s deflecting as usual , I’ve learned all of Chris’ tricks by now, this attack doesn’t phase me

“well ,cause I haven’t found my person yet”

-yes you have Cecilia (shut  up brain )

he turns his back to me pretending to wipe the clinically clean counter top and I can feel how tense his shoulders are , I know this reaction he’s giving me the do not approach signals.

so naturally I do the opposite

I put my  hands on his shoulders and he flinches a whole foot away from me his eyes darting around for an exit.

my heart twists ,its time to back off.

“hey Chris it’s ok , I was just upset from my sisters and you’re stressed ,I’m sorry ok  calm down “I said soothingly giving him an out

he nods silently avoiding my eyes but I can still see how tense he is

“umm I have to finish my closing argument , so ..” he says quietly

“it’s ok I’m beat , I need to change this awful dress and take a long bubble bath “I said dismissively backing away from him ,gathering my shoes and pouffy clutch – stupid sister-  and heading for the door

“Ceels ” he calls ,and I can hear the desperation in his voice

“yeah Chris ” I look from the door

um… tomorrow i’ll bring you cupcakes from the coffee shop you love near my work ” he says

and then silence with exchanged looks.

both of us burst laughing until I’m supporting my body by his front door

“I’m gonna get you for this Chris , one day you will look like shit and I will have my sweet revenge”

“don’t think so muffin ” he answers smugly

“shut it grumpy” I said heading to my door

” but I expect cupcakes tomorrow non the less”I shouted over my shoulders

he’s standing at his door smiling while looking at me waiting for me to get in ,and its like he’s a different person from before .

I smile back and close the door .

my smile falls once I’m inside , I prepare my bath silently and once Im in my tub , I finally allow my tears to flow

this is not the first time nor will it be the last time I tried with Chris and failed to reach through ,and it’s not the first time I’m crying over him either .

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