Week 8 – Stunted but Trying

Love is a fearful word. It carries far more weight than many others. Why have we come to fear such a word? Such an emotion?

The modern world is far more concerned with the touchable, the perceivable, the ownable. Emotions don’t often fit well within the confines of these possessive categories. They are things that are felt, maybe seen but mostly felt. The cold and calm are considered evolved and are respected. They represent the modern ideal – the person who can compartmentalise and desensitise.

The emotional or the sensitive are considered to be weak, unevolved or simple; merely because they can be okay with showing or accepting that part of them. They fear but they feel.

As a product of the modern society – a being who decided to disconnect my emotions than to show them, I can tell you they’re there… They hide buried deep, almost unrecognisable, just waiting for that moment to explode from under the flesh and blood – waiting to break through my ribcage and splatter all who stand before me.

Due to the immense pain I’d experienced throughout my life and especially my childhood, I strengthened my heart further and further. However, I didn’t toughen it with fiber, muscles and love, I strengthened it with titanium and ice. With every attack my defences grew stronger – almost impenetrable.

I respect those who do not build my kind of walls.Those who are brave and accept the vulnerability with open arms. Of course there is a difference between allowing yourself to be consumed and live in turmoil, and being open to love in a healthy way.

Why the fear? Some may ask. Because although we were taught what to buy, where to live and who we should be, we were never really taught how to accept how we feel – if it doesn’t fit in with the “ïdeal.” We were taught to remain calm, maintain a poker face. We were taught that no one cared how we felt, but we should care about how others might feel. We were taught that expressing emotions was a weakness and that we must always be tough.

“Don’t cry!”
“Don’t complain!”
“Don’t confront!”
“Don’t be yourself, people won’t accept it”
“Don’t give up your heart…”

How does it feel I wonder? How does it feel to allow love in full heartedly? To just take the plunge and strip down the walls? Let yourself be seen for who you really are. Allow all that comes in, bad and good. How does that feel? I’ve long forgotten. Last I allowed such a thing, it was what seems to be a lifetime ago.

All of you out there who take risks, who don’t let their past and fears hold them back – all you “the brave”, I wish to be like you. I wish to embrace love, to embrace the pain that may come. I wish to throw caution to the wind and experience that which I have long missed. I want to be brave like you… while still holding on to my senses. Is that possible?

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