Week 4 – Lack of Emotional Connection

It seems lately that the topics “emotional connection” and “intimacy” have been coming up a lot lately. I’m not sure if it’s due to the “power of attraction,” because I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit these days, or because it just happens to be the latest Zeitgeist.

Dating these days is very different to what it once was. Back in the day (yes I used that phrase), dating required a lot more courting, respect and generally time invested in getting to know each other. Nowadays dating is all about how fast you can get “in and out.” No one seems to give a damn (guys and girls…mostly guys) about truly connecting. The fast paced life we’re now used to, has made a large percentage of the population incredibly impatient. We expect everything right away, instant gratification at the touch of an icon. What’s the rush?

Love or even just mutual attraction doesn’t necessarily last that way, in fact I’ve noticed a trend of girls (and some guys) who are fed up of the fast paced, impersonal and cold state of dating. People are craving emotional connection and intimacy over sex. Someone who knows who are, someone who can truly feel you. Not the prevailing “Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma’am.”

People these days (we seem to be very few) are looking for someone they can cuddle up on the couch with while watching a movie. Someone to play a game with. Someone you can share the mundanity of everyday life with, making it more interesting. Fellow humans are craving the long night conversations about nothing and everything, the face to face interaction (currently replaced by messaging), the warmth you can only get by holding someone’s hand. They’re yearning for that giddy feeling you used to get when you saw your crush (way back when). They miss the small meaningful touches that happen without thought. Those moments during the day when you catch yourself lost in thought about that person.

The current dating scene hardly takes into consideration those of us who have a lot of commitment, touching and emotional hang ups. Myself and a few friends can have some personal space issues – as in “DO NOT ENTER”, however we do not entirely push people away. We will accept your hug and handshake, but only if it’s sincere and we know you have no “weird” intentions towards us. We will allow you into our personal space, when we feel that yours is similar, unintrusive and non harmful.

We aren’t opposed to intimacy and a physical connection, however we’re just not interested in one that doesn’t come with emotions and some sort of security. We’re not necessarily looking for something that’ll last, yet we don’t want to waste our time with people who are impatient and looking for the instant gratification, hoping that it’ll fill something within.

Someone I had pushed away in the past recently got in touch and told me he understood what I meant when I told him I felt asexual. For some the term means (as pertaining to plants) a thing which can reproduce within itself (which he thought I’d meant at the time). I went on to explain that I felt “sexless” or “genderless.” I did not feel I had any desire to anyone or connection even to being a female. I felt like a being who no longer had any desires whatsoever. I was going through one of my modes of depression at the time, but generally I’ve found that it’s quite close to how I feel now. By the way he misunderstood what I meant and his epiphany wasn’t what I was trying to tell him at all.

There are so many labels out there (current fave – demisexual), some more confusing than others, but whatever you call yourself in the end, no one will know how you feel regarding stuff like this better than you. Instant gratification is the modern day curse and ever growing disease. The constantly twisting mentality of some people has made them bulldoze over other people’s emotional and physical complexes. We have some things we find hard to share, express or even get over. We need time, empathy and a little compassion. In fact our partner (or potential prospect) needs to be smart, patient and a little selfless.

In the end it really does come down to trust. With the way the newer (and even the older tech savvy) generations are acting with their ever changing partners, one night stands and bang buddies, there doesn’t seem to be much room for trust. How can someone with a tumultuous childhood and adolescence (and later adulthood), trust someone who is so ready to move on when something doesn’t go their way. When we grew up watching our parents, friends and even ourselves go through relationship and commitment problems, how can we trust those who take such things so lightly. I’m not saying that we’re all commit-a-phobes, or that we’re looking for commitment or nothing (as many of us are okay with something that might not end up being forever), however we’re looking for the security and safety in trusting that person, someone who won’t just abandon us at a drop of a hat and won’t hang out our personal moments for all to see. Someone who won’t betray, berate or belittle us.

How many people do you know who feel the same way? How many times have you thought you’re sick of the shallow relationships? How many moments were there when you felt lonely because no one was there to hear you out, or even just there to share a drink? How many times were you in so much pain, that you wished you had a chest to bury your head into, with arms to embrace your pain away? Intimacy cannot be rented; intimacy without emotional connection is just empty… a waste of time. Are you tired of wasting your time?

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