She always tries to busy herself; not a moment of silence or peace. She is always doing, listening, and watching something. Multitasking saves her sanity. Her fear became being alone with her thoughts. They tend to drift, and one thing leads to another and the next thing she is thinking about is what would happen if she fell and broke her leg? What effect would that have on her days to come? … What would happen if her car crashed while she was driving?. Maybe that is why she has always been infatuated with Fire! It is a safe constant reminder of all the possible ways that harm could be done and accidents could happen. It is a potential weapon of mild or severe self harm that is within a safe short distance for when she finally snaps.
Just the mere thoughts tend to unnerve her. She started to question herself. As far as she knows, she has turned into an introvert. But could it be that she is actually depressed? This question became her every waking moment dilemma. But still, she is unable to answer it. Or maybe she is just avoiding the problem “Maybe it is just the result of all the action movies I have watched. Maybe my life is simply that boring and my mind is trying to spice things up” but all her justifications couldn’t make her ignore the truth.
As she put her head on the pillow she started to think about her life; her mediocre life, dreams, and self. Nothing makes her stand out in the crowd except maybe how exceptionally normal she is. She has been able at times to fake being gifted, talented, and even smart. But that was just an act. Her mediocrity is her curse. She can’t see anything beyond it. She doesn’t even have the will or faith to wish for more.
She is tired of her night ritual. She wishes she could end it. She wishes she could end all of this. But all she can do is roll over and fight for sleep only to have one of her usual dreams. She wonders which one is going to be today’s. Is she gonna be hiding from someone?will she fall from the top of a building? Or is it gonna be something new?
When she finally did sleep, she started dreaming. It was the best dream she has ever had. She saw beautiful waterfalls, majestic mountains, relaxing rivers. She saw cottony fluffy clouds and tranquilizing waves. She saw a truly stunning hypnotizing nature.
But suddenly, it all changed. The mountains began to collapse. The waterfalls turned into boiling lava. The clouds began to rain blood. The river started to float . The tranquility and charm of nature transformed into a horrific nightmare.
She knew she was dreaming but she couldn’t wake up. She was paralyzed inside her own head; she couldn’t even control her own body. It was walking slowly confidently towards the horror that was transforming in front of her.
She tried to scream, but her screams were a soft slow song that could send chills down anyone’s spine. It was a song of surrender, acceptance, giving yourself over to be controlled.
When her body got closer to the river, the water froze and crashed into spikes, embedded into the earth. When the rain touched her face, the blood became burning acid. The collapsing mountains then soon exploded everywhere.
She felt she was the source of it all; that she was the one doing this. But she couldn’t do anything. She couldn’t stop it no matter how hard she tried. Even her silent screams couldn’t force her body to wake up.
She kept on screaming- singing. Then, she started floating, heading towards the bloody clouds. As soon as she touched the once fluffy clouds, pain shot through her. It was more than she could handle. She felt it tearing her apart limb from limb. She screamed until she couldn’t breathe anymore. She screamed until her mind and body couldn’t take it any more . She screamed until her body couldn’t do anything to make the pain stop but to finally wake up.
Her lungs were barely able to take a breath as she laid there, drenched in her own sweat, her throat too hoarse to make a sound. But as she was sitting there trying to catch her breath, she was still able to feel that lingering pain as she just couldn’t shake that dream off.
Even is her sleep, she cannot escape her own mind… Where else can she hide?